There are people that say the Inuit have hundreds of words for snow….. When I first heard that it made me wonder how many words does it take to say “Let’s move someplace that’s fucking warm?”
I’m not a huge sports fan…..The only sport I really follow for a whole season is the NFL….. It’s funny because the rest of the year I may go to an occassional baseball game or watch some hockey but I don’t really get into it like with football….
So of course my wife always seems to like to try and talk to me during the football games….. it drives you nuts right?!….. the fans of the game know what I mean….
I found a good way to balance the equation though…. being a math and computer geek it’s always about balance you know…. I’ve gotta “balance that equation”…..
I like to ask her random questions now when she’s watching Desperate Housewives…. Or now she’s also into Army Wives,… in our house I’ve taught my son’s to call it “Stupid Army Wives” just to bug her,….. It annoys her cause I’ll watch 2 minutes of either of these show’s with her and then tell her what the plot is going to be for the rest of the season with a particular character….. she claims that ruins the show…. I ruined “All My Children” for her that way when we were first dating while she was in college… I told her one time what was going to happen to some guy on the show… The usual stuff, he’s gonna get a head injury, get amnesia, go missing for a month then come back and still not know who he is for the next 6 months…. When the whole thing came to pass like I told her it would… She got so pissed off she never watched the show again…. I’m just trying to save her time……
She can’t do that with my football season’s thought…. If she could I guarantee you we’d be living alot closer to Vegas!!!
But it’s all about Balance folks….
Did you hear about this Austrian guy, Josef Fritzel Fritzl ?…. What a freaky dude this guy is…. he held his own daughter captive for 24 years in a cellar,…locked behind a soundproof door with keyless entry. From the time she was 18 this poor woman was forced to have 7 kids with her own father…..
I read this in the paper and I remember thinking, “You know my Mom made me live in a basement too.”… So I immediately picked up the phone and called her to thank her for giving me a WORKING DOOR……… and also the complete LACK of sexual abuse…. The story had broken close to Mother’s Day so I had to call her anyway… we talked for 45 minutes…
The other thing this story made me think of… when I saw the pictures of this incredibly packed, small living space that 8 people were forced to live in at various times.. was that this guy was a REALLY talented carpenter!!!…. No really, he had a functioning kitchen, shower, toilet and bedroom down there….what a master of spatial relationships this guy is…. If only he had put it to some good use on something like closet organization or fung shue for cubicles perhaps…. instead of torturing his own progeny right?!?!
But then again he is Austrian…. These were pretty much the same people who rolled over for the Nazi’s like a drunken college girl confronted by the “Girls Gone Wild” crew!!!…. Here sign this release…..
(You know it’s really hard to work in the Nazi Party and Girl’s Gone Wild into the same joke so I hope you like that one.)
Did you ever drink till you were black out drunk?…… Yeah, I can’t remember if I have either….. I mean I’ve heard stories… so apparently I have…
What’s the worst is when you hear about something you did when you were pissed and you know what the drunk you was doing, or should I say trying to do,… but explaining it would be even MORE embarrassing than just continuing to act like it was the random act of a RAGING ALCOHOLIC!!!!!
The government and President Bush have now ruined porn for me now….. I was watching a ‘film’ the other night with my wife, I think it was ‘Chica Boom 36′….perhaps 37….. The point is one of the scenes concerns a young woman who is being arrested and during the scene, before she can begin to try and “figure out something she can do to stay out of jail”, we find out that they tapped her phone using the Patriot Act….. I hear Patriot Act then I think George Bush then NO MORE WOOD!!!
So thanks for ruining adult films for everyone Mr. President…..how could someone who’s such a dick be so against adult entertainment?!?!?!
The other day my wife was fishing for a compliment, she noted that she’s “not bitching like she used to anymore”…..I told her she was right, she bitches totally differently now….
I told one of my friends I was going to try working on being a comedian and writing now…..he said he never thought of me as particularly funny…..I told him just because he doesn’t get the jokes it doesn’t mean I’m not funny,….it just means he’s stupid…
This one is more of a rant–
What is one to do when you’ve gazed into the eyes of the beast and he’s to stupid to realize he’s the beast? Bush is as big an ideological rapist as Nixon ever was, it’s somewhat fitting that Hunter S. Thompson blew his brains out during the formers reign. I guess he realized this monster we call American politics is the mythical immortal dragon of which the ancients spoke.
We’re in the same situation today as in Nixon’s:
Politicians in the pockets of big businesses, who know how to return a favor: ”Sure you can just add whatever equipment you want to our switches here at AT&T, can I get my knee pads before I blow you? (paraphrased statement of a fictional AT&T executive speaking on his Razor phone to a nameless NSA representative sometime in early 2000, yeah I think they were doing it before 9/11… duh).”
Fighting in a useless and wasteful war that is killing off the youth from the lower economic echelons of our country, (which I’m certain is some type of poorly conceived retroactive abortion program the Republican party has been planning for years, in the end it helps their political base if the poor never age enough to begin voting), as well as several others around the world.
Drugs and drug use are running rampant……well ok this one isn’t really so bad, I mean it’s a buyers market right? Sincerely, you can really freely buy in the streets, most of the time without the fear of violence as long as you don’t get stupid. And I gotta say most street dealers are really the sweetest nicest people you’d ever want to meet and like strippers many of them seem to be going to college, so let’s hear it for putting their macroeconomics classes to good use. Actually if you think about it, it’s like they have their own scholarship program and it’s better than the GI Bill cause no one’s shooting at you…….well at least not with Tanks or .50 caliber weapons, though Oakland is getting rougher lately.
My point is this, where are the angry youth of today? What’s going on with the protests? They don’t exist. Why you may ask? Video games, that’s right I said it, video games. Well ok not really just video games, it’s the general way we’ve as a nation created a generation of pampered, lazy, pussyfied youth (to re-use a phrase I heard in a shop somewhere). I had no helmets as a child, we thinned the herd back then, if you were not smart enough to NOT land on your head good riddance. Think of all the future insurance bills saved by the death of one stupid child, I mean the insurance industry should be lobbying AGAINST helmets don’t you think?
Well, by way of introduction I suppose I should first “explain myself” (as my mother used to say,… right before she told me to go get something she could beat me with).
This blog is really something I’m going to be using as a tool for my comedy bits and other writing I’m beginning to consider doing on a permanent basis. It’s a testing ground for me to see what (if any) kind of response I get to what I’ve written (so feel free to comment I actually value your input) before I use it onstage. It’s also a way for me to prove when I actually came up with a joke. Comedians can be real dicks if they think your ’stealing’ material and with this site I can just say, “Look at my site I didn’t steal your joke, your just not as original as you thought.” I may punctuate that last sentence with an “ASSHOLE”, “DICKHEAD”, or “BITCH” depending on how and who is accusing me of stealing their material.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I love what I do for a living right now (I’m a Systems Engineer mostly specializing in large corporate desktop/laptop equipment upgrades, mass user integration, home/small business equipment and network assistance , as well as, corporate desktop support via contracts but also through my own company: Actual Network Solutions, if you actually care about it) and I’m good at it too, but my situation has changed recently in ways I could never have imagined 10 years ago. These changes are all for the better of course which has allowed me the luxury of working from home for the most part. Plus, I gotta admit, it helps that I have a spouse that’s a really kick ass chick. We’ve been together for 18 plus years (so you know there’s a ton of material there) and even she suggested I try and do this when our situation became what it currently is.
I tend to get animated when I tell a story and people have told me for years, “You should be a comedian”. So with the recent changes I’ve decided to give it a whirl. I also tend to go for the sarcastic a great deal as well, as you can imagine my tone of voice is sometimes required in order to get a certain joke. So if you read something that you don’t get make sure you try and come see me do it live so you can make sure it’s not something your missing due to my inflection.
I live in the San Francisco Bay area so you may get to see me try all this live at one of the local clubs sometime. In the future when (and if) I get to the point that I’m booking gigs I’ll of course let you know when and where here.
So, I hope you all laugh and enjoy the ride!
What the Peep's are sayin'