Filed for the next environmental disaster…

What does a comic do with all their old Oil Spill jokes?

Well you type them up and file them away for the next time a scum bag billionaire & his company try and destroy ocean or any other large body of water.   To follow are 26 jokes I wrote regarding the BP Oil Spill, they are in the order written so there is not really a developed bit here it’s just the jokes:

1-BP has decided to let the oil leak flow until next Earth Day when they will shut it down as part of their new “Green Initiative”…

2-British Citizens are angry with American’s for ruining their pensions, which is ok with us, personally I’m still pretty resentful about Hugh Grant & Amy Winehouse still having a career…

3- James Cameron & Kevin Costner both claim to have the solutions to resolving & cleaning up the Oil Spill, which is nice but where were they when McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate?…

4-Al Gore recently stated that scientist feel Sarah Palins Oil Spill “Tweets” are further proof of the hole in the ozone layer,… in her head,… if fluid levels continue to rise on her brain we may have to evacuate the coastal cities soon…

5-BP spin Dr’s are saying this years active hurricane season is good news, look forward to more rainbows in the southeast than in previous years & BONUS, lighter fluid will no longer be required for beach BBQ’s…

6-Surfers around the Gulf Coast are mourning the fact that, possibly for years, they won’t be able to pretend they actually surf…

7-The fact that BP is injecting all this dispersant right into the oil when we don’t know what it’s long term effect will be is also worrisome, maybe we could just pre-coat all the marine life with it to quickly pass the testing phase & save a few critters at the same time…

8-Beach Blanket Bingo would be a much darker film if the made it in Florida today,…  Not because of the oil spill but because Annette Funicello would just lie there in it like a dying seal…

9-Divers in the Florida Keys are all looking towards what the oil spill will do when it reaches the reef,… they’re too colorful & full of diverse life as they are & many divers miss that paved parking lot look while submerged…

10-The Miami Dolphins are considering moving their team,.. apparently since the oil spill there isn’t enough oxygen in the water even in Miami,…  seriously, the Kardashians beached themselves last week…

11-The Tampa Bay Buccaneers & the NFL are looking forward to a themed promotion with BP this season, they’ll be setting the Bay on fire just like pirates did back in the ‘good old days’…

12-Is it just me or does seeing all these oil soaked & coated animals pulled from the Gulf of Mexico make any of you want Long John Silvers too?… I haven’t wanted it in years, but an oily piece of cod would go down like a Lincoln Log (sprinkle covered turd, poppy farm in Istanbul) right about now…

13-I’m starting to get sick of picking on BP though, are any of you feeling like we’re becoming the mean girls in the shower throwing tampons at Carrie yelling “Plug it up, Plug it up!”,…  Obama is like the Coach holding everyone back saying, “Be nice now you girls”,… Cheney & Halliburton are the uber religious Mommy locking BP up in the closet & making it pray all the time…

14-The Gulf Coast Board of Tourism is telling visitors they can look forward to at least 4 more colors in their sunsets this year…

15-The State of Florida is working with corporate sponsors to try & contain the oil spill, they will be airlifting 50 million pounds of Gas-X & dropping it into the Gulf… because it stops gas before it starts…

16-Perhaps instead of a dispersant BP should start putting in some kind of solidifying agent,… Then we could just pull all that oil off the Gulf like a giant pudding skin…

17-Tourism in Nebraska & Kansas is expected to be up this year,… they haven’t had a corn oil spill or a deep well soy bean drilling accident in that area for years…

18-I’ll bet if there was some damned kid from Texas stuck in that blown oil well in the Gulf we’d have a lot better TV coverage…

19-One of the signs that New Orleans never recovered from Katrina is that when the oil spill started there weren’t enough hookers left in the area to blow the well & contain the damage…

20-Maybe it’s time the government & BP called in Long John Silver to consult on the oil spill clean up…  Have you ever been behind one of those restaurants?…  Now there’s an environmental disaster… as well as a serous slip & fall lawsuit waiting to happen…

21-I think BP may be waiting for Superman to fly over & blow all the oil back into the well like he did in Superman III: The Search for a Script…

22-There may finally be a scientific explanation for some of Sarah Palins stupider comments from the campaign trail,… I mean other than inbreeding,… Since the oil spill in the Gulf, people all along the coast have been saying they can see Russia from there…

23-BP was saying that tar balls washing ashore in the Gulf is “normal”,… their absolutely right…  & they’ve been “normal” in the Gulf ever since the same company had an oil rig blow & do the same thing & leak for 8 months into the Gulf of Mexico back in the 70’s,…  Just like with Clinton you have to define what “normal ” is correctly to understand… Just like anal sex is “normal” since the video explosion of the 80’s…

24-I’m not too worried for the oil spill clean up workers health, residents of Alaska did the same jobs after the Exxon Valdez & they had normal lives after…  sure there were a few flipper babies & they elected Sarah Palin as Governor,.. But it’s getting better, you can see Alaskan optimism in their new state motto: “She Resigned!”…

25-Since the oil spill BP has aquired the rights to some of the Disney characters for their upcoming clean up advertising campaign,.. We should be seeing those Tar Babies from ‘Songs of the South’ on TV again soon,.. Yeah I’m beginning to think  BP may not really “get us” as a nation…

26-I look at the CEO of BP on TV & I just really wonder, “Do you think it hurt when his soul was removed rectally?”… I hope it involved some really big tool with lots of spikes,… like one of those knives the bad guys used in ‘Cobra’…

In Memoriam…

A friend of mine told me she’s going to Chicago in September on a ‘girls trip’ and asked what to do while she was there…

I told her since she was going to be there on 9/11 to be sure to see the movie  ‘Philadelphia’…

it’s so much more relevant when you see it there…

What, too soon? Let me ask, for which one Aids, 9/11 or the musical Chicago?