(…probably to follow ‘Altered States Street…‘…)

There are other “laws” of the universe that kid’s shows just flat out disregard!!!…

That’s frustrating to a guy like me…  There are laws of physics folks!…  and the sooner these kids start learning about them the better!…

So let’s just take a critical look for a second here at Mr. Sponge Bob Square Pants…  If that’s your real name…

I’m watching this the other day and Bob and Squidward were having one of their usual social discourses regarding the break down in the moral “fiber” of society in general…

So at one point Squidward squirts Sponge Bob and he being a sponge starts to get all puffed up…

Now does anyone see the problem here???…  Let’s think back to the damned theme song folks….  “Who lives in a Pineapple UNDER THE SEA?!?!?!”….  “Absorbent and Yellow and Porous is he…”  Now there’s no need to go any further…

First off that second line is grammatically incorrect…    It SHOULD be: “Absorbent, COMMA, Yellow AND Porous is he…”  You just don’t use the word AND like that folks…  that’s not right…  you need to teach kids to speak correctly…

But my real point is he LIVES UNDER the sea…  Why in the hell when Squidward squirts him with ANYTHING would he absorb anymore?!?!?  He’s a SPONGE LIVING UNDER THE SEA!!!  HE’S ALREADY SATURATED!!!

That’s one of the Laws of Fluid Dynamics folks, I’m not making this stuff up up here…  He can’t absorb anything else…

I wrote this last year and thought I’d post a link to the previous article…  Other than the President Bush stuff it’s still relevant…

Being a parent you have to watch some really unbearable stuff for a certain period,…   I mean it’s not too bad the first time,…   but kids have no long term memory…    it’s like their little black out drunks…

They watch something and then they watch it again…  Sponge Bob is funny on occasion, but not when your waking up at 6:30 to get everyone out the door…

Then there are those OTHER show’s…  the one’s that you have to wait till the kids have outgrown them to criticize them…  Or at least till YOUR kid’s have outgrown them…  SO…

F@#%king Sesame Street is totally unrealistic…  Can you tell me where the drug dealers are?….

Their OBVIOUSLY there somewhere…  People are talking to a f@#%king Snuffleupagus folks…  They make dinner plans with a giant yellow bird!!!…   There is a big blue ‘Meth head‘ that’s hooked on “cookies” and obviously needs some time in rehab…   He need’s time to ‘reconnect’ with himself, time to heal…

There is a green dude that lives in a garbage can…  Well ok, THAT part is realistic, but you get my point…

I think the drug dealers are the one’s running the camera’s…  So this WHOLE show is really just a ‘Dealer’s Eye View’ of the world…

See it’s all subliminal man….   Weed isn’t the gateway drug folks, cookies are…

(different lead in to Prejudice and Me…)

Friends ask me if I miss Florida… We moved to NorCal a couple years ago…I don’t miss it a bit actually…  Don’t get me wrong, I like fried foods and racism as much as the next guy…

(then do Prejudice and Me…)

Writing jokes is more painful than some people think…

I watch “The View” at least once a week listening to those yenta’s…  mining for material…  there’s a big vein in there somewhere…  someone’s gonna get rich I tell ya…

You just have to put up with the strain and frustration of clearing away the mountain of crap around it…  I guess that’s why Whoopie went there originally and now she’s like imprinted on her captors or something…  Sort of like Patty Hearst and the SLA…

200 years ago I coulda been a ‘Jefferson type’, a Renaissance Man, maybe I could of been a friend of his…  But in today’s society most of the people I meet socially sell weed…   Their very enterprising really…  You’d be amazed at how many skills and trades they work in…  sorry back to my point…

I work with computers and write, I’ve managed businesses (successfully, that’s important by the way), worked in insurance, accounting, corporate finance, the airline industry (during 9/11), health care, driven trucks, shoveled doody and entertainment…

Today, I stand here before you making ‘pithy’ remarks…

It’s funny how in today’s society being a ‘Polymath‘ is kind of looked down upon…  University’s are no longer institutions of learning for the sake of knowledge…  Their trade schools…  you used to go to school to learn and then AFTER school you’d pick a trade…

But all that’s tough to get through during an interview…  So now I write jokes and work out of the house…

Not that I miss fighting traffic,…  the coffee hogs who never make a fresh damned pot…  that’s just rude…  my Mom didn’t even drink coffee but she’d smack you upside the head for that one…  I don’t miss the ‘office politics’…  Or all the women undressing me with their eyes…  it’s just uncomfortable…  Hey!, my eyes are up here Miss…

Somewhere along the way everyone has forgotten to ‘just be’…  We’re all in a rush…  gotta pick a career, what are you going to do with your future…  never mind a 17 yr old can’t be trusted to pick out a matching shirt in the morning…  what’s your religion, what do you believe, how many hours can you work, can you stay late, when are you coming in, pick up the laundry, go to the store, pay the bills, go back to work, I hate this job, but you gotta pay the bills… or you won’t be able to pay for the cards and the tv then they’ll take the car, the house, then the kids…

That’s why I just smack myself in the face once a day with a ball peen hammer and ‘relax’…

What, were you expecting something “deep” at the end of this???  I told you in the beginning I make ‘pithy’ remarks…  If you want answers you need to go to one of those “Sit Down” philosophers….

What the hell is going on in Oakland???…  A guy on Sunday in a big rig gets pulled over, comes out with a shotgun, shoots the cop and gets back in and starts a high speed chase in his truck???…

That’s no joke, they’ll take away his CDL license for that…    he can loose his job….

Some people go to driving school for WEEKS to get that CDL…  they see that commercial on T.V…..    at 3:15am when their hands deep in that bag of Cheetos, take out a loan the whole bit…   Makes you feel lots safer out there on the highways now doesn’t it…

It just makes me curious, how did he really think he was going to get away???…  It’s not like he was gonna get past a corner and blend in with traffic…  Maybe he saw Beverly Hills Cop over the weekend on TBS and got ‘inspired’…   But there’s holes in that plan, even Eddie Murphy didn’t get away at the end of that chase scene so….   If Eddie couldn’t do it, really, where does this guy get off…  I mean he even had writers and everything…

Living with 2 kids, a 9 yr old and a 13 year old (Down Syndrome or not), is like living with a little law firm…  It’s frustrating…  I mean I have myself to blame…  I’m the one that taught them to think “out of the box” so there you go right?…

Kid would ask me about a shooting star and he gets a 20 minute dissertation on meteorites, micro meteorites, “space junk”, and the perils of polluting our atmosphere…  So now it takes me 40 fucking minutes to get the little turds into bed…

And what you want to do is go “GET YOUR ASS IN BED!!! OR YOUR GOING TO LEARN ABOUT THERMAL DYNAMICS WHEN MY HAND MEETS YOUR ASS!!!”…

And then your explaining to him as you give him swats that this is what the Earth felt like when the Asteroid that killed the dinosaurs hit Latin America…

You don’t do that but you think it….

I have an idea for another iPhone Application that I’m going to begin developing…

It’s a video game you can play using your colonoscopy feed streaming live as the background image…  Right now the ‘working title’ is “Anal Invaders”….  But that may change after I do some market research….

I figure it will give patients with an iPhone (or 3G phone) something to do while their on the table with that video camera up their bum….

A buddy of mine recently asked me which I thought was ‘gayer’…  or more gay for you English majors out there…  Aids or Twilight…

I told him Twilight is definitely gayer….

Because ANYONE can get the Aids, but ONLY the  ‘gay’s’ get Twilight….

Oh come on, no one should get offended at that joke….  We all have someone amongst our family and friends that likes the Twilight series….

I know most people think I’m a ‘glass is half empty’ kind of guy but that’s just not true….

And while I’m not really a religious person I am beginning to believe in the ‘power of prayer’…. I’ve been praying for years for this one thing and it’s finally come true…

That fucking little Taco Bell dog has finally died… “Yo quero de Taco Bell chihuahua muerto’”….  That’s been my prayer for roughly 10 years now….  More of a mantra really….

I wasn’t really certain of my powers at first….    After I prayed the “Where’s the Beef” lady to the grave….  But now I have independent confirmation….

But that’s one of the reason’s I get really paranoid whenever someone says “I’ll pray for you”….  I mean I appreciate it and all…  Unless of course your praying for my balls to swell, turn black and pendulous then fall off….

A North Korean woman was recently executed for giving out free Bibles…  Talk about being a slave to the capitalist system…  Which is odd for a communist country….

So I’m guessing North Korea is now pretty much off the ‘recruiting areas’ list for the Gideon’s and Mormons….

I just think it’s a little to ’strict’ is all I’m saying…  It’s not like she was passing out copies of Twilight or anything…  Now that would be a crime worthy of the death penalty…

Megan Fox recently stated she’s not going to be the next ‘Britney Spears’….

Which is a good thing, she’s setting her sights higher I suppose…  Provided she’s not aiming to become the next skanked out coke head crack whore aka ‘Amy Winehouse‘….

There was a fire in South San Francisco yesterday in a Salami plant….

Italians and their families all up and down the west coast wept at the loss of this integral source of lard and animal waste parts…

I read a story recently about a group of upstanding young citizens…  That robbed a family while they were having a wake…  Or ’sitting Shiva‘ for those of you out there of the Hebrew persuasion…

Now I never would have thought that robbing the actual mourners of the dead to be a big ‘cash cow’…  I would think all the valuable stuff would be found in robbing the actual grave wouldn’t it??….

I mean let’s look at history, even the ignorant and uneducated thieves of thousands of years ago KNEW….  You don’t rob the Pharoah’s family….  You wait till later that night and dig that sucker up…

I’ve never personally taken a lot of jewelry or cash to a funeral…  Why would you??…  It’s not like you have to pay by the minute to view the dearly departed…  Gruesome…  Like one of those sliding glass thingamajig’s at the really ‘high class’ strip joints where you pay a buck for the slider to go up for 2 minutes….  I mean from what I’ve seen in films and read…

But why rob the mourner’s?…  They won’t have money…  They’re all staying at relatives and eating buffet for the next several days…

I guarantee when they catch these 7 morons they’ll spend the next 5 years being laughed at WHILE being anally raped  for getting a handful of cheap crappy fake gold jewelry and a couple of plates from the buffet…

Cause I keep imagining the guys going back and getting like a Dixie plate full of food with that cheap saran wrap that keeps coming off and trying to run away and keep their food on the plate…

Serves them right…  I hope they lost half their turkey and the cake too…