Moving across America

July 4, 2008, @ 5:21 pm Leave a comment Go to comments

My family and I moved all the way across country recently,… we literally would have gone from coast to coast if we’d driven 50 miles east from our old home before we headed west… 3300 miles, 10 days, every piece of crap we own, a big yellow truck and 5 people (including 2 kids, 11 and 7)….

One of the things we all learned on this trip, my family and a buddy that helped me out,….  There are really ALOT more stupid people out there than you may think!….. Really…. and sadly being as I’m originally from the mid-west, it seemed to me that the closer you got to the middle of America…. it seemed that a larger proportion of stupid people seem to be able to survive until adulthood….. I mean on the coasts the really stupid people get picked off….  It’s like there’s a black hole for rational thoughts the further you get from the coasts and it’s literally sucking all the cognitive intelligence out of many, many peoples brains out there…. Somewhere on the other side of the universe there’s a bunch of random “book learnin'” spilling out the other end of the singularity….

During this move by far the most common response, from the various Mensa candidates working at Truck Stops, Diners and the like,… Upon learning we were moving from coast to coast was, “Do you know how EXPENSIVE it is there?”…. Like trying to talk us out of it while I’m in mid-trip in Kansas or Oklahoma somewhere…. Now my wife and I are both college educated and what I consider to be SOMEWHAT intelligent people…. we have issues with her sometimes but I digress….   We’ve been planning this move for years and it just amazed us that people seemed to think we didn’t know what to expect…. Apparently research and the internet only equal porn in the mid-west…. No actual useful information is available as they all still have dial-up….

My wife would get annoyed at me because I’d start to act like I was seriously considering stopping the move RIGHT there thanks to this person’s insight…. I’d ask about the local economy… If they knew of any rental properties in their neighborhood or any openings in the local computer and nursing fields…  If they wanted to help us start looking the next day off they have….  their home phone number and e-mail…  I mean since they felt it was their place to try and correct my path in life I figured they wanted to be fully vested in it!!!….. Oddly enough most refused to assist, looked at me like I was crazy or “went on break”….

It’s a beautiful country though…  Made even more so due to the fact that I survived driving a loaded diesel truck towing a car through the Rockies and the Sierra’s in December….  It also cemented a belief that I have that, were the automatic transmission outlawed the number of idiot’s operating vehicles on America’s roadways would be decreased exponentially!…. A friend of mine used to say that… It’s true..

But driving a truck through the mountains when your used to driving a sports car day to day is a bit like… Oh I don’t know…. Like sitting behind a 10 foot tall desk on ski’s at 80 to 90 miles per hour….  You just don’t feel like you have any control when you can actually SEE how far you’ll be plummeting to your death in a big yellow truck…..  Plus the bonus pressure of your kid’s getting to see you fall to your fiery death from the car following behind you!!!!…. Yeah I’m sure there would be no issues for them to work out in therapy there….  “Ok, you saw your Dad die on the side of a mountain 20 years ago….. GET OVER IT!!!!!…. That will be $150 dollars please”….

In the really snowy higher elevations the big trucks have to use chains, so as you may have guessed the road conditions are just PERFECT…. if your prone to seizures…..  My buddy who helped me drive was CONVINCED that the ruts in the road were due to the original wagon wheel tracks from the pioneers compacting the soil on their journey west….  I told him he was wrong because the pioneers filled those ruts with the bones of the other pioneers that they had to eat on the way….

He’s a great guy though, he helped me drive that truck all the way…  I mean he got free hotels and meals….. he’s used to living in a garage so I figured it was like a vacation for him….  Part of the reason he agreed was his daughter lives in Northern California and he wanted to see her and his “baby mama”,…. Apparently she’s kind of a ‘hippie chick’…. He told me to conserve water she made him poop in the shower….  Yeah, that KINDA takes all the romance out of showering with your lover right?!?!….  “Excuse me baby,… you just dropped a deuce on my big toe.”…..  I’m all for conservation but yeah, I’m gonna stick with my current system…. It just works for me…

My wife also has a friend who has her kids “brush” their teeth by eating cheese….  But that woman is a WHOLE other story…. and it still dosen’t make sense to me…

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