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Cheaters and the cheating cheaters that let them cheat…

May 8, 2011, @ 6:51 pm Leave a comment

Obama’s choices have revealed his genius, Hillary makes perfect sense now. Who better to help us get over Pakistan cheating on us all along.

The President knew Osama was in Pakistan all the way back in 2006. He’s been around, he knows when a brothers cheating.

Pakistan needs to be careful, we have a female Sec. of State. If they push her too far she’ll drive all the way over there in a diaper for retribution.

I’ve gotta admit it would be fun seeing Hillary try to take down Pakistan with a roofie in the airport parking garage like Dexter though.

25 quick comedy sketch ideas…

July 8, 2010, @ 12:25 am 5 comments

1-Steven Seagal explains string theory reality show.

2- Oil Spill Prevention Jeopardy. Contestants are BP Executive, Conservative Pro Oil Republican and a Fox News Correspondent.  All answers that cost BP corporate cash will not be answered correctly.  But they will all do well/be competitive on either Lady Gaga or Potpourri category.

3-Forrest Gump Bubba Gump Shrimp Ad-post Oil Spill.

4-Fox News interviewing a Sr. BP Scientific Guest presenting evidence proving sea life and animals are not in fact being killed by the Oil Spill or dispersant but instead auto erotic asphyxia.  ex- Dr: “Based on what we’re finding, apparently an Atlantic Bottlenose Dolphin is to blame for destroying the well head. In an attempt to cut off his own oxygen Chet” reporter Chet: “Why would he do that Dr. Coverupvenclosen?”.  Dr: “Well Chet, Bottlenose Dolphin’s can’t tie a knot and have no belts or door knobs to hang themselves from.”

5-Bush & Son a Sanford and Son parody with GHW and W in the lead roles, the junk yard they are roaming about during the credits is the entire U.S. various locations picking trash. To include Dick Cheney in the Aunt Esther role and Condoleezza Rice as W’s date for the episode.

6-Obama in a Breaking Bad parody.  He’s cooking while in office but got into producing meth not because of cancer but to pay for the US economic recovery.

7-Biography Episode segment of Bombshell McGee re-enactment of her Rumspringa ‘experience’.

8-Dexter/Wall Street mashup parody-He’s stalking Wall Street for victim companies to acquire and dismember (sell off) . Or could go the other way with Dexter character being a sociopathic business head (Madoff type) in the news who’s victims are investors.

9-Two couples out for dinner after seeing the film Marmaduke starring Owen Wilson.  3 of the people think the film is genius/oscar worthy/argue it’s artistic merit and message. 4th person is certain it’s crap but likes the funny kitty because he thinks it gave George Lopez a kidney.

10-Exxon Valdez Captain doing a live radio interview, he’s depressed, apologetic and beaten down after 20 some odd years.  While interview is going current BP Oil Spill story breaks, his attitude begins dramatically improving with each report and he gets cockier with each question as the interview and interlaced news flashes continue.

11-Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson in ‘heaven’ talking about what’s happened/happening on Earth RE: Oil Spill, Fawcett/Jackson coverage differences on day of death and anniversary, difference in lives: Molestation of boys accusations/Giving boys fantasy “material”, compare films (boths films suck so that’s a wash)

12-“Losing it with Jillian” parody where she meets her match in a family of just massive and lethargic flesh.  Whole thing declines to the point she gains 25 pounds, gets suicidally depressed, quits the show and training as a vocation by the end of her 3 weeks with the family.

13-Cocky Rocky Jockey-Parody Commercial for a male alternative to the Booty Pop Panties that make women have a bigger butt.

14-An alley way mugging by a modernized teen version of ‘Our Gang’ with the same names, styles and clothes but using current terminology and references.

15-A ‘Truckers Health Fair’ at a Truck Stop: ex.- “Doc I got this ‘Black Toe’ that smells like cheese and oozes till my boots are full before my days driving is done.”  Parade of out of date/overly severe/out of context ailments: leprosy, black death, hemophiliac with a hickey & a hot date…

16-A Post Pot Legalization California where the Fox News pundits predictions have come true. California has become an Apocalyptic yet Lethargic Wasteland ala’ Escape from New York with little or no ‘energy’.

17-Compulsively lying Russian spies (say, oh I don’t know, 12 for example) sending outrageous lie filled reports back home in order to remain in the USA because even a depression riddled America is better than a fully employed Russia.  Possibly even a Russian Spies ‘brainstorming’ session of their lie filled reports.

18-Lindsay Lohan goes to jail and is just a total bad ass prison ‘gang lord’ (think OZ and Gilmore Girls).

19-The Jolie/Pitts and kids go to Chuckie Cheese’s for the day and their kids are just total racists, rude and spoiled brats to everyone (including their parents) except when a camera is pointed in their direction.

20-President Obama calls a late night ‘Easy No Collateral Loan’ commercial number. Goes through all the phone screen and voice prompts & is refused because the US is bad credit risk under current federal loan requirements.

21-College Cheating ‘Epidemic’: Two testing room monitors and students in a room with a video camera in corner. After explaining testing procedure and starting once one monitor leaves room other monitor goes under video camera and takes digital photo of room, prints copy and hangs it in front of camera. Immediately begins auctioning off specific question answers to highest bidder. Some students protest/ethics, others buy. As questions go along opening bids start higher. Eventually busted, cheating monitor taken out in cuffs. Dean and other monitor give out new tests. Once monitor leaves Dean of Students begins the auction process/cover up again.

22-Two Bees in Napa Valley that are Honey Snobs/Hipsters & oblivious to national “Colony Collapse Disorder”.  Actually an allegory for Republicans & recession denial.

23-Mel Gibson, Joran Van Der Sloot, Lindsay Lohan & Sarah Palin in Impulse Control 12 step group. Each person is sentenced there by the court except Palin who’s been sent there by the RNC due to her ‘Twitter & Facebook Comments and just generally speaking in any public forum/setting”.

24-The Jonas Brothers producing a Death Row Records Christmas Cover album recording session.  Various Rap Artists.  Jonas Bros insist on being called MCJB (no matter which one) and are complete hard asses/thugs that all the gansta rappers are afraid of.

25-Beach Blanket Bingo film set but it’s in the Florida of today.  So the beaches are black, oil covered and Annette Funicello still has MS so she just lays there like an oil soaked seal unable to move doing her lines the entire sketch.

26-(Bonus) Billy Mays from Hell/Purgatory selling Hoof and Horn conditioning/cleaning products.

Oh goody, ‘Octomom’ sees signs from God….

February 10, 2009, @ 10:03 pm 2 comments

Angelina Jolie’s ego overflow, aka ‘Octomom’ (Nadya Suleman) recently said, “the octuplets were a sign from God that she should stop having children”,……

Yeah, maybe that and the fact that her uterus finally fell out when she walked out of the fucking hospital…

I mean I really feel ripped off here people…  In the Middle Ages,  those people got Joan of Ark and we get the an unemployed trollop fucking sponge on society who “just wants to have lots of kids to love” in order to make up for some deficiency in her own life….

Ain’t that sweet…..  BUY A FUCKING PUPPY!!!!   Hell go to the shelter if it’ll make you feel better about yourself but STOP  POLLUTING THE GENE POOL FOR THE REST OF US!!!!  Don’t make me call an ‘Adults Only Swim’ cause I’ll do it….  I’ll pull your stupid ass out of the pool and put you on the bench for everyone to see what a dumb ass you are and how you couldn’t handle the responsibility of actually being in WATER!!!….

I’m also wondering what this say’s about people’s so called “God” and his tremendous decline in standards as of late…  I mean other than Obama he’s not really helping out the right people… Or at the very least the right people aren’t thanking him publicly….

Other than at sporting events…   Oh and celebrity award show ceremonies…

Back in the chain gang….

January 28, 2009, @ 8:33 pm Leave a comment

I’m not normally one to quote ‘The Pretenders’ but I’ve been working alot lately….

Plus I woulda put in a clip there to youtube normally for the song but thanks to the penis wrinkles at WMG it’s not there as it’s been pulled pending a ‘cease and decist’ order….  Guess they want us all to pay $1.99 for it on iTunes…..

So the holidays went well for me, how bout you????  Got thru the family visits and the annual Chrismakkah ritual as we’re a ‘mixed’ household.   Glad to see our new President is walking it the same as he talked it!!!  Gotta say I’m happy he’s doing exactly as he said he would and getting us out of all the international mess the ‘dim bulb’ we previously had had gotten us into.

As I said I’ve been working a great deal on my day job and putting in a great deal of overtime and work for a project I was brought in to work on, it’s all worked out pretty well actually.  We’re past the ‘hump’ now and the hours are becoming a bit more humane.

So I’ve been feeling this ‘itch’ lately, as I’m no longer dead on arrival after work.  I need to start writing again and getting back out there on the nights I have a chance.  Doing the open mikes is really fun for me and it’s just plain theraputic….  Too many thoughts rattling around the cage so it’s making it hard to concentrate.

Sorry for the long break out there but I’m going to be a bit more productive on this side in the next couple months working up new stuff.

Hope you all enjoy.

–EW

4 more years of ‘GOP’ politics are not needed here….

September 24, 2008, @ 10:19 am 3 comments

Don’t worry about the economy folks…  W. is planning to talk to us all soon to ‘allay’ our fears… I feel SO MUCH BETTER NOW!!!

Here is a man that is so stupid he led a national economy that was at a SURPLUS (for those of you who don’t realize it that means the government had MORE THAN THEY WERE SPENDING!!!) and turned it into one of the largest DEFICITS (for those same folks, this is a BAD THING!!!) this nation has ever seen…  And it’s not like he did it by himself, he’s too stupid, every business he ever ran he literally RAN INTO THE GROUND and bankrupted it, but he previously did it MUCH QUICKER!!!…  Again, because he’s STUPID…   He can’t pronounce nuclear correctly, well ok he can’t pronounce MANY, MANY words correctly, but that just gives further credence to my argument…

He didn’t do it alone, in that, the GOP is pulling the strings on our current puppet…  Now they want to rush through $700 Billion worth of ’emergency funding’, that’s billion with a B, BEFORE the next president is elected…  This is a ‘hurry up’ scam, YOU CAN’T WAIT, you have to ACT FAST before the chance goes away!!!…  We are bailing out BUSINESSES that are poorly managed by allowing the people who bankrupted them to CONTINUE TO RUN THEM while we pay the bill!!!

And to TOP IT OFF, you will still have to pay those SAME businesses any money OWED TO THEM…  Correct me if I’m wrong but this would mean they are being paid TWICE by the average American citizen….  How is this NOT getting anally raped???…  I just want to know the distinction so I can tell the officer when he’s filling out the report while they do the rape kit on my ass….

Where is the bail out for the American public???…  Why don’t we have the government mandating a 50% reduction in ALL DEBT across the board for ALL the American CITIZENS!!!…  Everything too, not just home loans but credit cards, auto loans, signature loans, check cashing loans….  Then they can pay back those loan companies with ‘tax write offs’ for the value of all those forgiven loans???…..

That way EVERYONE can have something done that will personally effect them and allow them to realize that their government actually gives a damn about them!!!!

This will never happen of course, the people who are making double the money off you would never allow it….  They are the GOP and they LOVE YOU….  At least they LOVE the fact that they can RAPE you and you NEVER ONCE CALLED THE COPS ON THEM!!!…  In fact many of you loved it so much you RE-ELECTED them….

And now many of you are considering allowing the ASS RAPE to continue by voting for McCain and Palin….  An abusive father could never be as proud as the GOP is of you folks who are considering voting this way, takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’….  But it’s ok right, cause the GOP REALLY loves you and it didn’t mean it, it just had ‘too much to drink’ last night and it’s having a tough time at work right now…

You see ‘my way’ would have all that money go to the people, ‘their way’ has all that money go to BIG BUSINESS not once, but TWICE….

Yeah, vote the McCain/Palin ticket….   Morons…

Nobody can really say it better…

September 15, 2008, @ 1:30 pm Leave a comment

Bill Maher had some GREAT New Rules on his Sept. 12, 2008 show…

Great that he points out there were 42 Meth Lab busts in Sarah Palin’s home county!!!  Plus all the other “I’m from a ‘small town’ so I’m BETTER than you.” fecal matter conservative’s like to spew.

John McCain is dying on the Cross for you America…

September 5, 2008, @ 2:44 pm 2 comments

Sarah Palin is a nit, as are her speech writers and teleprompter operators…  Learn to give a speech in front of a group if you… want….  to…. get…   on…  the stage…    Sorry we’re not all wearing antlers down here in the ‘lower 48’ sister…    We’re not all a member of the local Moose lodge…   Many of us are Elk or Eagles…  Even the occasional drunken Shriner….

I love how they (at the RNC) rip on the ‘set’ from Obama’s ‘show’ but they think we don’t notice the ‘subtle’ CROSS imagery when they put that big platform out there for McCain to give his speech from…   In all the long shots it looked just like he was standing on a giant cross…   All he needed was a couple nails through his hands and Mel Gibson beating the bejesus out of him and it would have been perfect

As he’s CRUICIFIED for our country…   Poor little McCain…     You know I had it worse, my mother was mentally unbalanced…    I was held prisoner for 17 YEARS…    He only did about 5 and a HALF…    Did the Viet Cong make him go get his own SWITCHES???…

I think not…

(I thought of this last night and luckily ‘The Jimmy Kimmel Show’ had the perfect clip I needed, enjoy)