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Filed for the next environmental disaster…

October 14, 2010, @ 3:40 pm 1 comment

What does a comic do with all their old Oil Spill jokes?

Well you type them up and file them away for the next time a scum bag billionaire & his company try and destroy ocean or any other large body of water.   To follow are 26 jokes I wrote regarding the BP Oil Spill, they are in the order written so there is not really a developed bit here it’s just the jokes:

1-BP has decided to let the oil leak flow until next Earth Day when they will shut it down as part of their new “Green Initiative”…

2-British Citizens are angry with American’s for ruining their pensions, which is ok with us, personally I’m still pretty resentful about Hugh Grant & Amy Winehouse still having a career…

3- James Cameron & Kevin Costner both claim to have the solutions to resolving & cleaning up the Oil Spill, which is nice but where were they when McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate?…

4-Al Gore recently stated that scientist feel Sarah Palins Oil Spill “Tweets” are further proof of the hole in the ozone layer,… in her head,… if fluid levels continue to rise on her brain we may have to evacuate the coastal cities soon…

5-BP spin Dr’s are saying this years active hurricane season is good news, look forward to more rainbows in the southeast than in previous years & BONUS, lighter fluid will no longer be required for beach BBQ’s…

6-Surfers around the Gulf Coast are mourning the fact that, possibly for years, they won’t be able to pretend they actually surf…

7-The fact that BP is injecting all this dispersant right into the oil when we don’t know what it’s long term effect will be is also worrisome, maybe we could just pre-coat all the marine life with it to quickly pass the testing phase & save a few critters at the same time…

8-Beach Blanket Bingo would be a much darker film if the made it in Florida today,…  Not because of the oil spill but because Annette Funicello would just lie there in it like a dying seal…

9-Divers in the Florida Keys are all looking towards what the oil spill will do when it reaches the reef,… they’re too colorful & full of diverse life as they are & many divers miss that paved parking lot look while submerged…

10-The Miami Dolphins are considering moving their team,.. apparently since the oil spill there isn’t enough oxygen in the water even in Miami,…  seriously, the Kardashians beached themselves last week…

11-The Tampa Bay Buccaneers & the NFL are looking forward to a themed promotion with BP this season, they’ll be setting the Bay on fire just like pirates did back in the ‘good old days’…

12-Is it just me or does seeing all these oil soaked & coated animals pulled from the Gulf of Mexico make any of you want Long John Silvers too?… I haven’t wanted it in years, but an oily piece of cod would go down like a Lincoln Log (sprinkle covered turd, poppy farm in Istanbul) right about now…

13-I’m starting to get sick of picking on BP though, are any of you feeling like we’re becoming the mean girls in the shower throwing tampons at Carrie yelling “Plug it up, Plug it up!”,…  Obama is like the Coach holding everyone back saying, “Be nice now you girls”,… Cheney & Halliburton are the uber religious Mommy locking BP up in the closet & making it pray all the time…

14-The Gulf Coast Board of Tourism is telling visitors they can look forward to at least 4 more colors in their sunsets this year…

15-The State of Florida is working with corporate sponsors to try & contain the oil spill, they will be airlifting 50 million pounds of Gas-X & dropping it into the Gulf… because it stops gas before it starts…

16-Perhaps instead of a dispersant BP should start putting in some kind of solidifying agent,… Then we could just pull all that oil off the Gulf like a giant pudding skin…

17-Tourism in Nebraska & Kansas is expected to be up this year,… they haven’t had a corn oil spill or a deep well soy bean drilling accident in that area for years…

18-I’ll bet if there was some damned kid from Texas stuck in that blown oil well in the Gulf we’d have a lot better TV coverage…

19-One of the signs that New Orleans never recovered from Katrina is that when the oil spill started there weren’t enough hookers left in the area to blow the well & contain the damage…

20-Maybe it’s time the government & BP called in Long John Silver to consult on the oil spill clean up…  Have you ever been behind one of those restaurants?…  Now there’s an environmental disaster… as well as a serous slip & fall lawsuit waiting to happen…

21-I think BP may be waiting for Superman to fly over & blow all the oil back into the well like he did in Superman III: The Search for a Script…

22-There may finally be a scientific explanation for some of Sarah Palins stupider comments from the campaign trail,… I mean other than inbreeding,… Since the oil spill in the Gulf, people all along the coast have been saying they can see Russia from there…

23-BP was saying that tar balls washing ashore in the Gulf is “normal”,… their absolutely right…  & they’ve been “normal” in the Gulf ever since the same company had an oil rig blow & do the same thing & leak for 8 months into the Gulf of Mexico back in the 70’s,…  Just like with Clinton you have to define what “normal ” is correctly to understand… Just like anal sex is “normal” since the video explosion of the 80’s…

24-I’m not too worried for the oil spill clean up workers health, residents of Alaska did the same jobs after the Exxon Valdez & they had normal lives after…  sure there were a few flipper babies & they elected Sarah Palin as Governor,.. But it’s getting better, you can see Alaskan optimism in their new state motto: “She Resigned!”…

25-Since the oil spill BP has aquired the rights to some of the Disney characters for their upcoming clean up advertising campaign,.. We should be seeing those Tar Babies from ‘Songs of the South’ on TV again soon,.. Yeah I’m beginning to think  BP may not really “get us” as a nation…

26-I look at the CEO of BP on TV & I just really wonder, “Do you think it hurt when his soul was removed rectally?”… I hope it involved some really big tool with lots of spikes,… like one of those knives the bad guys used in ‘Cobra’…

It’s not over till the Fat Tar Ball Floats ashore…

July 19, 2010, @ 2:51 pm 1 comment

BP seems to think they have the Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico contained and under control…  So it seems it’s all over now.

But stuff can wash ashore for years when you least expect it…   Just ask Scott Peterson

And I’m sure as soon as he can get the dick/cock/member out of his toothless bloody mouth he will agree…

I also had a thought regarding the clean up,…  If everyone going to/visiting the Gulf Coast over the next few years picked up & mailed just 1 Tar Ball to BP corporate headquarters & a network news anchor of their choice,….   the post office might smell better,…  eventually…

National Incident Commander Thad Allen…

July 14, 2010, @ 3:46 pm Leave a comment

I read recently National Incident Commander Thad Allen is to take over the lead role in ‘MacGruber  2: Eclipse of the Gulf’

National Incident Commander… Is it just me or does that Job Title sound suspiciously like a ‘Temp Job‘…     ‘Fall Guy’, whatever…  at least there’s a movie role on the horizon for that as well…  Temp workers have to keep their eye on the future…

BP had their New and Improved Well Cap all ready to go but ‘That Girl’ Thad Allen said the government stopped them temporarily, because they don’t want to create an “irreversible mistake”…  Like Off Shore Drilling or allowing another Bush to get elected.

It’s called a Podcast Gracie…

July 12, 2010, @ 11:36 am 2 comments

I’m starting to think that Podcasting is bringing about a second ‘Golden Age’ of radio comedy, without all that pesky Tokyo Rose type interference.  At this point there are not enough executive’s involved to screw up the writing, so if your not already listening I’d suggest you start.  In fact, I would suggest downloading and backing up everything you like now before the FCC and executives in general get involved and muck it all up.  Also, I’m not even going to suggest who you listen too, if you want to know who I listen too just look at previous postings and follow the links.

Just to make my point, let me tell you a couple stories that have nothing to do with Podcasting.

I was, surprisingly, somewhat of a smart ass as a kid and could fit in pretty much with any group.  It was one of the techniques I used, being moved around a lot as a child, using comedy to weave my way through the land mines of American High Schools throughout the Mid-West and Southeast.  But ultimately my friends I spent my off time with were of the techie (this is early 80’s mind you too, techies had to wait for the A/V cart to use the one Mac in school) and comic book variety.

Now in the mid to late 80’s a friend and I were comic shop diving after smoking weed, which helps in the appreciation of the artwork and the attitude of most shop owners.  And we stumbled across the First Run Brand New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Now stop the tittering for a second and let me just tell you, this used to be a cool book.  They were adult oriented and really one of the first ‘graphic’ type comics.  They were not only a graphic novel but a graphic comic book series, this was not a one time thing.  This was something we loved and cherished and followed for years!

When I joined the Army in the late 80’s it was still pretty unknown.  Of course being a soldier and a ‘rebel with a job’ I decided to get a tattoo so I found one of my favorite graphic pics of Leonardo as I enjoyed that character.  The tattoo artist was bemused to say the least as apparently TMNT had not hit the ‘shores’ of Wichita Falls, TX., which has neither Falls or any Wichita’s left (from what I saw there were only white people).  She had to create the template and I made her redo it about 4 times before I’d get the work done because I wanted it done right, she was really pissed off but understood I wouldn’t get it if she didn’t do it right.  So I got the work done eventually and went about my life with what I felt was surely the most unique and individualistic piece of artistic body art that anyone would ever see.

Two years later some Executive’s child somewhere found a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ruined my life forever.  They bastardized it and kiddie-fied it beyond recognition. Now every time someone sees my Ninja Turtle tattoo I get the ‘look’ that says, “Are you a retard or just a dumb ass?”  End of story one in which an executive and the general public become involved and ruined my life.

Our second event occurs at a time shortly before Universal Studios Florida in Orlando opened their second theme park, Islands of Adventure a Comic Book Themed park.  I’ve also noticed, as I write this, that this story also involves comic book characters and I am an even bigger dork than even I previously thought was possible for any 42 year old adult male that is able to walk the earth without a leash attached and a group home being involved…  But I digress.

Before Islands of Adventure was opened publicly they did what is known as a ‘soft opening’, the park was open but not advertised.  This is a period in which they were testing the rides for the first time with general public riders.  If you purchased an annual pass at that time you got several months free for being a human guinea pig and crash test dummy.  Of course I said great and bought passes for the whole family!

I am unequivocally a roller coaster ‘nut’ and one of the great joys I have in life now is being able to go on roller coasters with my kids because my wife is a big wimp (she’s 4’11” tall so this is a ‘little’  in joke).  During this testing phase of the facility I rode every coaster in that park multiple times again and again.  I would go down on days I was off work and the kids were in school and ride for 5 hours and get to school to pick them up.  It was great those rides were fast and threw you around perfectly with no jerkiness or rough rides, you’d get positive G’s and negative G’s and get off the rides with the biggest erection you ever saw on a person, women included.

About a week before the park opened I went by for one last unadulterated ‘fling’ with my lover before she was put out on the street for cash.  I got on The Hulk, it took off but something was wrong.  I thought “Maybe I’m just getting too used too this?”  But as we were coming around the last few loops and curves in the back, the ride got all jerky and started throwing your head around smacking it on both sides into the damned restraints.  In fact if you happened to be, like me, holding your hands on either side there you would pummel yourself in the face with rapid knuckle punches.  It was really very refreshing for your first ride of the day!

I got off a little perplexed with minor bruising and asked one of the operators on the disembarkation side of the ride, “Hey what’s up, the rides slower and I just beat the hell out of my skull?”  His reply, “Oh they slowed down all the rides because of the test groups, all the older people said they were too fast.”  And with that he popped a zit and went back to touching patrons who were getting on the ride next.

This totally pissed me off, didn’t this kids parents realize he needed a Dermatologist!  There were Engineers involved here who designed these rides to go “so fast” in order to allow for the ride to be smooth and work properly.  But now a damned Focus Group had over ridden those decisions and apparently physics!  The stupidest part is that it is obvious when you ride those rides now that by running them slower they cause more stress on the supports.  That’s why the rides are now ‘jerky’ at some points, they are not going at the intended speed to prevent that action.  Also they are stressing the ride and destroying it more quickly and then next thing you know Fabio gets hit in the face by a low flying Goose on a roller coaster.

So what do we learn from all this?  Well first, everyone other than me is stupid and wants to ruin my life specifically apparently, because I’m not allowed to have any joy.  But more importantly, hopefully I’ve proven my point.

If you like comedy and want to hear some great stuff that’s free and has not had the chance to be destroyed by the General Public Bitching, Executives or Government Oversight then for the love of a God I don’t even believe in please, Support Your Favorite Comedy Podcasts.

Because George and Gracie would be on one if they could (and they would be great at it too)!

Positive * Negative = LIES ITS ALL LIES…

July 11, 2010, @ 6:18 pm Leave a comment

If everything you see on television and read in the newspapers is true (or a positive).

And everything you see online is a lie and false (or a negative).

That means that when I see anything that was broadcast on TV or read anything that was printed in the papers online it instantly becomes false.

Because as we all learned in High School when you combine a positive and a negative it becomes a negative…

I KNEW Lindsay Lohan would never go to prison…  Lying Bastards at TMZ…

What’s with California and the 40 oz?…

July 9, 2010, @ 7:55 pm Leave a comment

What’s with Cali and the 40 ounce?

I got no “homies” to spill half of this out for,…   that’s why in Florida I only got 16 oz cans…

But those are not available here… I need to meet and befriend more gang members so I can have someone to spill out half of my 40’s for…    eventually...

How’s this sound as an opener as I walk up, “Why Hello there my “Homie” ,…

How’s the gat, in your parlance if you’ll excuse the phrase, hangin’ holmes?”…

I think it shall go well…

A friend of mine didn’t care for this joke, because apparently all jokes are real and I mostly drink Guinness when I drink beer and they don’t actually sell 40 oz’ers…

So I told him, “You know what, your right.  I actually need to meet more Irish Gangsters,… specifically turn of the century Irish Gangsters.  Sort of a Daniel Day Lewis  ‘Bill the Butcher’ type from Gangs of New York”…

I haven’t been to New York in a couple years do they still have that?…   Guys strolling around the City with Meat Cleavers and other tools used in the industrial slaughter of animals?…

If they don’t I’m not sure how I’m going to make this joke real…

Help Keep Green Room on Showtime…

July 8, 2010, @ 12:59 pm Leave a comment

Send a letter of support telling Showtime to bring Green Room back next season, this year was their first year and it is great.  Please e-mail a letter to:  GreenRoom.Showtime@gmail.com

For example here is my letter with the ‘relevant’ contact information deleted, my apologies to Annie Wilkes.

Of course feel free to change up the part about being a Systems Engineer/Stand Up I understand that parts kind of  “specific”.

———-

Dear Corporate Bean Counters,

Please continue this series Greenroom on Showtime, in fact give them more episodes per season please!  Such a great and interesting show. I’m a subscriber and this is great, now if you can just get better writing on Weeds, which has just gotten stupid last season, I’ll be pleased with most everything about your network.

As a professional Systems Engineer and stand up, I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed this show and it’s format.  Starting in entertainment later in life as Jonathan Winters it was great to see him again in such a freeing format to open up.

Thanks again to Paul Provenza and everyone involved with the show from the production group all the way down to the Showtime Executives.

Regards,
Ed Wallick

Deadpan Drollery

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