We are moving my friends! Those of you who have subscribed to e-mail should get a notification automatically so we certainly hope you’ll follow all our new incarnations.
Don’t Quit Your Daycast is where you’ll be able to find us from this day forth.
We’ll be doing a new podcast from that site and you can subscribe via RSS feed. I’ve also begun the process of getting the show on iTunes so you’ll (hopefully) be able to subscribe to it there soon if you prefer.
This is another step in my process of learning stand up & continuing with my writing. This blog has been fun & it’s done what I wanted it to do, which was to help me learn to write comedy well. I’ve been told on several occasions that the writings good. Which is nice but I get the nagging feeling that now we need to concentrate on performance is the subtext between the lines of those comments. Which is also cool! We’ve gotta move forward or we become something else’s food source.
Remember, in addition to our new podcasting & blog site, you can also follow more stuff on Twitter @EdWallick. The pods Twitter feed @DontQuitYourDay (the Cast wouldn’t fit, you must acquit. Yeah I said it.) & we’ll always follow you back.
Thanks for reading now come on over, take off your shoes, put up your feet, take a drink (or whatever if your in Cali) & then listen and laugh for a change.
(different lead in to Prejudice and Me…)
Friends ask me if I miss Florida… We moved to NorCal a couple years ago…I don’t miss it a bit actually… Don’t get me wrong, I like fried foods and racism as much as the next guy…
(then do Prejudice and Me…)
Yeah this is big news?… This figure is bogus and the national unemployment rate has been incorrect and slowly getting FURTHER out of line with reality the longer Bush and the Republinazi’s have been in office…
I hear you out there, “But Ed how can this be true? I mean Bush and company would NEVER lie to us”… Yeah OK, and I promise I won’t cu……well you know….
The reason this figure is bogus, beyond a doubt, is because of the FACT that for each year since Bush has been in office the number of TEMPORARY and CONTRACT workers in American businesses have INCREASED… Guess what happens to an I.T. worker, like myself, who finishes a contract and has ‘at times’ a 4 to 6 week wait between gigs??? WE GET NOTHING, you can’t get unemployment because your a contract or temporary agency worker…. Not that I want it, I actually hustle and have quite a high rate of call backs from previous companies I’ve contracted through, but there can still be a period of time till projects ‘line up’ with my availability… I mean they can’t always wait for me to finish another job before I begin theirs either…. It cuts both ways…
But then that creates another issue when you’ve been completing contracts successfully for 5 years,….
Your resume begins to become a short non-fiction novel…. No kidding, my ‘traditional’ chronological version has bloated to 7 pages and that’s with me actually ‘cutting it down’…. So now I have to have an ‘abbreviated version’ which has even LESS specific details of the actual position duties, but it’s “3 pages or less”, otherwise the won’t even ‘consider’ you…. Which means I still have to bring every interviewer a full on packet which includes my long and short resumes, my references with contact info, my certification information, letters of recommendation and a short little ‘strengths’ worksheet… I also pay for the travel to and from interviews in addition to all that resume ‘quality’ linen paper for each packet,…
I’ve SERIOUSLY had to endure as many as 4 face to face interviews in order to get a 6 week contract before… These agencies are just milking companies for more money by EXTENDING the interview process… They get paid for that, I DON’T!!!!
Once you’ve talked to me on the phone ONCE, then face to face ONCE and done your due diligence and checked out my references and recommendations… Guess what, you should be able to DO YOUR JOB AND MAKE A DECISION!!!!…. The only things out of all that a perspective employee can write off is the printer ink cartridges and the paper, so save those receipts out there job seekers…
So now your in my position, and there ARE alot of I.T. people like me out here in the ether,…. you have 5 years of really good experiences with all manner of applications, software packages, Server configurations, Desktop configurations, Ghosting images, creating images, hardware experience and on and on, where you’ve proven yourself on short term and long term contracts anywhere from 30 days up to 8 months each (we won’t even go into the people relationships, cause it’ll take forever, but you have to be able to get along with every user you meet too so there are actually a lot of ‘people skills’ too)…. You’ve gone in there and assimilated the system and solutions they want you to use within a week or less, you’ve ‘picked up the slack’ and helped turn a place around and ‘get back on track’, your a Jack of All Trades but a Master of none…. Every contract is either extended or ends when scheduled and you go back out there to the ‘next’ interview…
Why all the contracts asks Mr. Interviewer,… “Well see I’m an honest guy… and my family and I have been planning to move all the way across country for 4 years, but you have to wait for your spouse to finish the schooling she’s started for her career change”… So I honestly told people that I was planning on moving in 2008, ergo I only get offers for contract positions… No one wants to hire someone they know is going to walk out the door with all that specific knowledge of their network and systems configuration and basically ‘waste their time for the last 2 or 3 years’…. So I just keep plugging along and WORKING…. I am the ‘Henry Hill’ of the I.T. industry, I’m an earner… That’s why they like me around…
OK so now you complete your move, you go out and get the same questions from Mr. Interviewer in your NEW location…. “Um, you have a LOT of different jobs listed here, why?”…. Same answer as previous paragraph, except now I’m here and it’s permanent, I want a permanent position….
Many employers don’t want to hire someone at my level with my skills because, get this, I am a SUCCESSFUL contractor… They feel that I may decide to ‘walk out’ if I don’t like it because I’ve proven that I can be a successful ‘job seeker’… Now I’ve never walked out on a job, ANY job, without notice…. Isn’t this EXACTLY the type of fact checking your ass is supposed to do during the ‘reference check’??? Why should I have to JUSTIFY being successful in playing the ‘cards I was dealt’…. See this is the type of reward you are given for all that honesty you were taught in the Boy Scouts… Makes me want to go out and kick Cub Scouts so they never get that far with the indoctrination….
So all of these are just a FEW of the reasons the big news about the ‘Unemployment rate’ is one of the largest and laboriously created pieces of bullshit fiction since the Holy Bible came off the chained and bound ‘apprentice’ copiers desks approximately 2000 years ago…
Cause I’m actually an ‘in demand’ piece of equipment…. There are MILLIONS upon MILLIONS more American citizens who’s trade is not as forgiving, the opportunities don’t arise as often… I’ve had friends who were clerks, accountants and in human resources who have gone from 6 to 18 months between positions… And guess how much unemployment insurance they got???? $0.00, but I’m rounding UP….
The only people who have benefited from the outsourcing of personnel in America are the big business executives (who get their bonuses for ‘lowering’ cost by cutting permanent staff and the benefits cost savings from cutting that former staff), the pre-employment drug testing industry, outsource agencies (with all the bloated interview process time wasted for me that THEY get paid for and they keep a ‘cut’ of every dollar your making from the client company once YOU get hired… Actually, yes they ARE legalized pimps… You see a pimps love is different than a squares love… wait that’s for a different post…) and the U.S. government who get their damned taxes from every check when you are working (including that good old unemployment insurance tax you’ll never collect on)….
So remember when those statisticians tell you, ‘This information may be off by as much as “+/- 3 percent”…. The truth is that’s just a slimy way of them telling you the numbers ACTUALLY can be off by as much as 6 percent…. And that’s really only of the bullshit incomplete and incorrect numbers they have used to create their inaccurate and UNTRUTHFUL PowerPoint presentation….
Enjoy your coffee and danish… And people wonder how I find the time to write and work on stand up….
Guilt and regret are a waste of your time…. People probably think that’s a little self involved but then isn’t everything??? I mean your not really living your life for someone else are you…. EVERYTHING you do is self involved, even if it’s taking care of your own elves (kids)…. I mean you are the reason they’re here after all, you were so self involved you refused to put on a condom or at least allowed her to talk you OUT of wearing one, either way… Self involved….
I have 3 kids, though honestly one of them was only mine briefly…. If there was anything I was going to regret it would have been not getting to see her more often…. But then divorce, military service, geography and the financial constraints of the world had a great deal to do with that as well, I mean I still had to make a living right?…. Anyway, she’s an adult now and doing fine on her own…. And I get to talk to her quite a bit now so that’s a bonus!
My other two boys are both still in their ‘little people’ fazes….. One of them will be forever actually…. My older son has Down Syndrome, which freaks some people out….. Let me give you a little tip, he’s just like you…. Only nicer…. The kids life is honestly golden, he’s what medical professionals call ‘high functioning’…. They used the same phrase in reference to me on occasion, but I think it had a different connotation in that situation as they also stated I was ‘manipulative’ (again who isn’t?)…. He’s constantly on a quest to make people laugh and then he’ll query, “Am I funny?”…. We’re still trying to figure out where he gets that from….
The kids a little flirt too, he runs right up to women (only the good looking ones mind you, he’s got Down Syndrome, he’s not stupid) and will start hugging them simply because he KNOWS he can get away with it…. Honestly, I’d do the same, if I thought I had a chance in hell of being allowed to do so…
I think, if I was going to have a regret in my life, it would be that I’m not going to be able to be there and protect him from the lame stupidity of Jr. High School and High School, as he’s started the former this year…. So I’ve done the next best thing…. Since he was about 3 I’ve been teaching him basic Aikido…. Some of you may think this is not a good idea, but you’d be WRONG…. When he was 5 some little punk 7 year old thought it would be funny to push him around on the playground…. That’s when my little man threw the penis wrinkle into a fence and bloodied his nose…. He’s 12 now and has a lot more throwing power, in addition to some really good wrist locks, so some of those Jr. High kids should REALLY fly….
I’ve gotta admit, that was an EXCEPTIONALLY FUN DAY though…. See they decided since he couldn’t recount the story to them that he must have started it…. I remember going in there and talking to him, once I was able to cobble together the true story and get the little turd ball that started it to admit he started it…. I really enjoyed berating the neophytes that administered that little school…. Plus the other kid’s Dad just looked totally flummoxed once he realized his little prince was a crap bag fop and got his ass kicked by a special needs child to boot!…. I bet that kid got REAMED when he got in the car away from everyone else, but who cares he deserved it…. I bought my son ice cream on the way home!
Son #2 is just like any other kid who’s father has been explaining the finer points of String Theory and Particle Physics to him since he was 3…. Poor kid asks about a star and gets a 20 minute lecture…. But he GETS it…. It’s nice when you can sit down and watch a program about dark matter and black holes with an 8 year old and he ENJOYS IT!!!…. He’s been on the Aikido program since 3 too, but luckily for him he’s never had to use it, it would be rare but nice if he never did but I truly doubt that…. Sure we’ve moved away from the majority of the moronic and racist contingent in this country, by relocating as far away from the south as possible while not moving to a different continent but as I’ve learned in my own life, STUPID IS UNIVERSAL….. I’m sure his day is coming but he’s better prepared than I was at his age for it….
I don’t do regret, but now that they’ve started a new school year I’m missing having my boys around the house a bit…. Sure it makes it hard to code when they’re here but I’m an insomniac anyway so it’s not like I wouldn’t be up at 2am in any event….. Getting distracted by them in the daylight just gives me something to work on in the moonlight.
If I believed in god or something else irrelevant, like The Force, I would think that tonight was a sign…
I left the house driving my merry way to the train station to go into town and do tonights open mike at The Brainwash….
Drive out of driveway, check… pull out of subdivision, check…. drive down mountain and say sarcastically to self, “Cool view of the Pacific, it fucking sucks that I moved here.”, check…. Apply brakes to stop as approaching bottom of mountain, OH SHIT HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!
You got it no brakes, thank the frakin’ creator (sorry Battlestar Galactica reference) I got a car with a manual transmission kids or it would a been a really squishy mess, ‘Blood on the Highway’ starring me would have been showing in drivers ed classes for years…. So, no yuck yucks tonight…. but I DO get to keep breathing for a bit longer so it’s a wash I figure.
Got the car to the shop about 5pm PST where I had the front brakes done in April this year and we find that the rear brakes lost 2 bolts and the caliper is totally fried (left rear, for the really mechanically curious)…. Luckily I am an anal retentive jerk, so I whipped out the receipt and warranty from when I had the BOTH rear brakes and calipers replace in April of 2007 via the local Goodyear/Gemini when I was still in Florida…. I knew the big move was close, even last year, so I got the work done at a national place with 24 month or 24,000 mile warranty,…. so we’re safe on BOTH counts, less than 24 months since the work and a little under 20,000 miles since the work was done….
SO, guess who’s calling Goodyear/Gemini’s national warranty department between 6am and 6pm MST tomorrow????
If you guessed me YOUR RIGHT, but none the less I still wouldn’t sign up for Jeopardy based on just that question. I’ll keep you appraised of the situation…
My family and I moved all the way across country recently,… we literally would have gone from coast to coast if we’d driven 50 miles east from our old home before we headed west… 3300 miles, 10 days, every piece of crap we own, a big yellow truck and 5 people (including 2 kids, 11 and 7)….
One of the things we all learned on this trip, my family and a buddy that helped me out,…. There are really ALOT more stupid people out there than you may think!….. Really…. and sadly being as I’m originally from the mid-west, it seemed to me that the closer you got to the middle of America…. it seemed that a larger proportion of stupid people seem to be able to survive until adulthood….. I mean on the coasts the really stupid people get picked off…. It’s like there’s a black hole for rational thoughts the further you get from the coasts and it’s literally sucking all the cognitive intelligence out of many, many peoples brains out there…. Somewhere on the other side of the universe there’s a bunch of random “book learnin'” spilling out the other end of the singularity….
During this move by far the most common response, from the various Mensa candidates working at Truck Stops, Diners and the like,… Upon learning we were moving from coast to coast was, “Do you know how EXPENSIVE it is there?”…. Like trying to talk us out of it while I’m in mid-trip in Kansas or Oklahoma somewhere…. Now my wife and I are both college educated and what I consider to be SOMEWHAT intelligent people…. we have issues with her sometimes but I digress…. We’ve been planning this move for years and it just amazed us that people seemed to think we didn’t know what to expect…. Apparently research and the internet only equal porn in the mid-west…. No actual useful information is available as they all still have dial-up….
My wife would get annoyed at me because I’d start to act like I was seriously considering stopping the move RIGHT there thanks to this person’s insight…. I’d ask about the local economy… If they knew of any rental properties in their neighborhood or any openings in the local computer and nursing fields… If they wanted to help us start looking the next day off they have…. their home phone number and e-mail… I mean since they felt it was their place to try and correct my path in life I figured they wanted to be fully vested in it!!!….. Oddly enough most refused to assist, looked at me like I was crazy or “went on break”….
It’s a beautiful country though… Made even more so due to the fact that I survived driving a loaded diesel truck towing a car through the Rockies and the Sierra’s in December…. It also cemented a belief that I have that, were the automatic transmission outlawed the number of idiot’s operating vehicles on America’s roadways would be decreased exponentially!…. A friend of mine used to say that… It’s true..
But driving a truck through the mountains when your used to driving a sports car day to day is a bit like… Oh I don’t know…. Like sitting behind a 10 foot tall desk on ski’s at 80 to 90 miles per hour…. You just don’t feel like you have any control when you can actually SEE how far you’ll be plummeting to your death in a big yellow truck….. Plus the bonus pressure of your kid’s getting to see you fall to your fiery death from the car following behind you!!!!…. Yeah I’m sure there would be no issues for them to work out in therapy there…. “Ok, you saw your Dad die on the side of a mountain 20 years ago….. GET OVER IT!!!!!…. That will be $150 dollars please”….
In the really snowy higher elevations the big trucks have to use chains, so as you may have guessed the road conditions are just PERFECT…. if your prone to seizures….. My buddy who helped me drive was CONVINCED that the ruts in the road were due to the original wagon wheel tracks from the pioneers compacting the soil on their journey west…. I told him he was wrong because the pioneers filled those ruts with the bones of the other pioneers that they had to eat on the way….
He’s a great guy though, he helped me drive that truck all the way… I mean he got free hotels and meals….. he’s used to living in a garage so I figured it was like a vacation for him…. Part of the reason he agreed was his daughter lives in Northern California and he wanted to see her and his “baby mama”,…. Apparently she’s kind of a ‘hippie chick’…. He told me to conserve water she made him poop in the shower…. Yeah, that KINDA takes all the romance out of showering with your lover right?!?!…. “Excuse me baby,… you just dropped a deuce on my big toe.”….. I’m all for conservation but yeah, I’m gonna stick with my current system…. It just works for me…
My wife also has a friend who has her kids “brush” their teeth by eating cheese…. But that woman is a WHOLE other story…. and it still dosen’t make sense to me…