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7 Billion and Counting But Gay Marriage Threatens the Species…

October 31, 2011, @ 3:49 pm Leave a comment

There are now 7 billion people on this planet, yet even with those odds I can’t find a undocumented maid that won’t drink my liquor.

I mean come on 7 billion people… More alien abductions & sightings than any time in our recorded history…. I’d advise you all to stock up on ammo we’re ripe for the harvest….  That’s why we’re getting plumper as a species,.. like cattle going to market.

If it weren’t for Catholicism’s ‘out breed em all’ policy there wouldn’t be 7 billion people & Puss in Boots wouldn’t have been # 1 in the box office the week it premiered.

My problem with Catholic people isn’t that I think I’m smarter than them, I know I am…  The problem is they breed & put helmets on their children.

There are 7 billion people on this planet but if your gay in America they don’t want you to get married because it ‘threatens the species’…  Really?

If your gay you can’t get married because it threatens the ‘sanctity’ of marriage,..  but Thank god Kim Kardashian was able to get married AND have her divorce within 72 days so the current season didn’t have to end with a cliff hanger…

Kim Kardashian’s marriage really recalls those great Hollywood relationships of old doesn’t it?… I mean who’s not thinking Hepburn & Tracy right now, so romantic!!

Titanic was longer, both the film & the actual sinking of the ship…  Which was, unlike her marriage breaking up, an actual, verifiable, real and tragic event.

I hatea da film…

January 13, 2010, @ 10:57 pm 1 comment
So the Pope thinks Avatar is sappy and over simplified…
You’d think he’d love it, as the entire text he’s devoted his life too IS ALSO sappy and over simplified…   But WAIT,  it’s also got BAD POETRY AND IS WAAAYYY TOO MUCH OF A DOWNER IN THE END!!!…
SO, I’m gonna spend my money on Avatar in 3-D IMAX…..     at least until the Pope gets production values in the Vatican up to ‘Piranha part 2: The Spawning’ standards before I start considering him for bigger projects…



Busted by the Lord…

January 11, 2010, @ 11:02 am Leave a comment

Once when I was 6 or 7 and at my Grandfather’s Vacation Bible School…  yeah, vacation… WHEEE, some kids get Disneyland I got snake handling and speaking in tongues….

There was this guy who was about 35 that I guess was supposed to be a ‘youth pastor’ or something….  he’d walk around during the recess period in a little kids sheriff outfit with the straw hat,… the little belt with the cap gun and the little plastic handcuffs… the whole bit…  one day I got busted for some reason… I don’t recall what it was… he probably overheard me telling some other kid that god was a construct of the human races collective unconscious guilt complex…

So he handcuffed me to a flag pole with my hands around the pole!!!…  And walks away!!!…..  It’s funny because in today’s world…..   if someone drove down the street and saw a kid….  handcuffed….   to a flag pole…… they would either report it to child services!!!…  Or they’d think it was a free kid to abduct…. either way nothing good would come of that situation today…

It would be reported is all I’m saying…  unless it was a Catholic Church of course…  cause they have a LOT of flagpoles inside apparently…

Another funny point to this story is the guy forgot I was chained there…  so I was out there like an hour before I just broke the stupid things… they were plastic after all…  so of course when the guy told Gramps I got the switch….

Memories…. they really are precious, precious portals through time aren’t they…

Family History…

January 9, 2010, @ 6:10 pm Leave a comment

I was doing research online and found that my family came here from Germany in 1789…  and they were Jewish…  Yeah, my first though was “Oh crap… There are like no Jews in show business…”  Maybe I should reconsider…       all this…

SO yeah they were Jewish…  and I guess in 1789 the family name was Walk…  AND they were really PROACTIVE in escaping from Hitler…   kinda fills you with pride really!!!…  they spotted the signs like 140, 145 years before anyone…

But this really opens all kinds of new doors for me as a comedian….  There are so FEW ethnic jokes regarding Judaism…

I’m also part Native America…  Shawnee…  Can you imagine the crap that guy got from his Jewish Mother?!?!….   I figure if I keep researching, I’ll also find I’m part African and Muslim…  and begin bombing myself…

My brother started using that Native American part to get the ladies early on…  Anytime a woman tells him she’s got a little Indian in her,…  he asks her if she’d like a little more…

It’s kind of hard for me…  finding out I’m Jewish, on several levels…  I mean, I come from Hillbillies, so half of the family wants to kill me cause their being targeted by racist organizations now…  the other half wants to kill me cause their being KICKED OUT of their racist organizations…  I feel bad about it…  some of those folks need the Neo-Nazi Bowling League…  it’s the only exercise many of them get…

It’s also hard, because I’m an Atheist…   AND NOW!!!…  NOW I find out that I’m one of God’s ‘chosen’ people…  oops…   but you know now that I’m a CHOSEN ONE…  I may have to reconsider…

It’s also really disappointing finding out my family was Jewish and came here in the late 18th century….  Because in NINE generations not one them accumulated any viable wealth to pass on TO ME!!!….  kind of makes me wonder if we weren’t kicked OUT…  “Alright, Hirahm….  ve’ve been looking at the Zionist conspiracy accounting figures here…  and ve see your not doing your part to take over the vorld here….  SOOO, if you don’t vant to take over the old vorld,…  maybe veel send you to the new…   see vhat you can do over dere…  you do a good job taking over the new vorld maybe… MAYBE ve bring you back.”

Just note that I’m doing this act in the U.S. folks…  I think we know how that turned out….

The Silly Putty Conundrum…

January 5, 2010, @ 8:47 pm 1 comment

A friend of mine recently said, “All I can say is that time is like Silly Putty”….

I got caught shoplifting Silly Putty when I was a kid…

This made me think…

So what your saying is that: What I was trying to steal was time… Which is really a construct of our particular planets orbit around our particular star in combination with it’s rotation… Which is irrelevant on a universal or infinite scale…

I knew that Security Guard at Montgomery Wards was full of shit…  Permanent record my ass…

I’m just waiting for some moron in the audience to say God is like a Slinky…  I’ll fucking lose it!!…

Muslim beheads wife to improve image…

February 17, 2009, @ 12:48 pm 3 comments

I’m sorry but obviously there is a severe difference in beliefs as to what is required to improve one’s image here…..

I mean true, I’m not a Muslim, but I’m pretty sure that cutting off your spouses head is not really a ‘main stream Muslim’ person’s first solution to the thought of being divorced….   Maybe to hire an arbitrator would have been a better course of action….

This guy is obviously a ‘Jerry Falwell religious school of learning’ type cause an extremist is an extremist no matter which religion your in folks….

–(just had to save the article and jot my initial reaction, more to come on this after I let it simmer a little longer)

Oh goody, ‘Octomom’ sees signs from God….

February 10, 2009, @ 10:03 pm 2 comments

Angelina Jolie’s ego overflow, aka ‘Octomom’ (Nadya Suleman) recently said, “the octuplets were a sign from God that she should stop having children”,……

Yeah, maybe that and the fact that her uterus finally fell out when she walked out of the fucking hospital…

I mean I really feel ripped off here people…  In the Middle Ages,  those people got Joan of Ark and we get the an unemployed trollop fucking sponge on society who “just wants to have lots of kids to love” in order to make up for some deficiency in her own life….

Ain’t that sweet…..  BUY A FUCKING PUPPY!!!!   Hell go to the shelter if it’ll make you feel better about yourself but STOP  POLLUTING THE GENE POOL FOR THE REST OF US!!!!  Don’t make me call an ‘Adults Only Swim’ cause I’ll do it….  I’ll pull your stupid ass out of the pool and put you on the bench for everyone to see what a dumb ass you are and how you couldn’t handle the responsibility of actually being in WATER!!!….

I’m also wondering what this say’s about people’s so called “God” and his tremendous decline in standards as of late…  I mean other than Obama he’s not really helping out the right people… Or at the very least the right people aren’t thanking him publicly….

Other than at sporting events…   Oh and celebrity award show ceremonies…