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7 Billion and Counting But Gay Marriage Threatens the Species…

October 31, 2011, @ 3:49 pm Leave a comment

There are now 7 billion people on this planet, yet even with those odds I can’t find a undocumented maid that won’t drink my liquor.

I mean come on 7 billion people… More alien abductions & sightings than any time in our recorded history…. I’d advise you all to stock up on ammo we’re ripe for the harvest….  That’s why we’re getting plumper as a species,.. like cattle going to market.

If it weren’t for Catholicism’s ‘out breed em all’ policy there wouldn’t be 7 billion people & Puss in Boots wouldn’t have been # 1 in the box office the week it premiered.

My problem with Catholic people isn’t that I think I’m smarter than them, I know I am…  The problem is they breed & put helmets on their children.

There are 7 billion people on this planet but if your gay in America they don’t want you to get married because it ‘threatens the species’…  Really?

If your gay you can’t get married because it threatens the ‘sanctity’ of marriage,..  but Thank god Kim Kardashian was able to get married AND have her divorce within 72 days so the current season didn’t have to end with a cliff hanger…

Kim Kardashian’s marriage really recalls those great Hollywood relationships of old doesn’t it?… I mean who’s not thinking Hepburn & Tracy right now, so romantic!!

Titanic was longer, both the film & the actual sinking of the ship…  Which was, unlike her marriage breaking up, an actual, verifiable, real and tragic event.

Big Spot Dot Com…

July 23, 2010, @ 2:52 pm Leave a comment

Has anyone seen the BigSpot.Com commercials?…  With the guy that has the neck basket?…

Somewhere out there in America is a really pissed off inventor,…  He thought he was going to change the world with the neck basket,…    then along comes Big Spot Dot Com to destroy his dreams of a world where Flava Flav still has fashion pull

That is a company with a really bold group of Executives though,…   Big Spot Dot Com, I mean what other company has the balls to make everyone that hears it’s name think of a big menses spot on the mattress that is the internet?…

Quick Sketch Idea…

July 23, 2010, @ 10:29 am Leave a comment

An Executive Assistant with ‘do not disturb orders’ holds off a Zombie horde as his boss is oblivious and continually interrupting defensive efforts with personal requests.

National Incident Commander Thad Allen…

July 14, 2010, @ 3:46 pm Leave a comment

I read recently National Incident Commander Thad Allen is to take over the lead role in ‘MacGruber  2: Eclipse of the Gulf’

National Incident Commander… Is it just me or does that Job Title sound suspiciously like a ‘Temp Job‘…     ‘Fall Guy’, whatever…  at least there’s a movie role on the horizon for that as well…  Temp workers have to keep their eye on the future…

BP had their New and Improved Well Cap all ready to go but ‘That Girl’ Thad Allen said the government stopped them temporarily, because they don’t want to create an “irreversible mistake”…  Like Off Shore Drilling or allowing another Bush to get elected.

Help Keep Green Room on Showtime…

July 8, 2010, @ 12:59 pm Leave a comment

Send a letter of support telling Showtime to bring Green Room back next season, this year was their first year and it is great.  Please e-mail a letter to:  GreenRoom.Showtime@gmail.com

For example here is my letter with the ‘relevant’ contact information deleted, my apologies to Annie Wilkes.

Of course feel free to change up the part about being a Systems Engineer/Stand Up I understand that parts kind of  “specific”.

———-

Dear Corporate Bean Counters,

Please continue this series Greenroom on Showtime, in fact give them more episodes per season please!  Such a great and interesting show. I’m a subscriber and this is great, now if you can just get better writing on Weeds, which has just gotten stupid last season, I’ll be pleased with most everything about your network.

As a professional Systems Engineer and stand up, I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed this show and it’s format.  Starting in entertainment later in life as Jonathan Winters it was great to see him again in such a freeing format to open up.

Thanks again to Paul Provenza and everyone involved with the show from the production group all the way down to the Showtime Executives.

Regards,
Ed Wallick

Deadpan Drollery

–end of line–

25 quick comedy sketch ideas…

July 8, 2010, @ 12:25 am 5 comments

1-Steven Seagal explains string theory reality show.

2- Oil Spill Prevention Jeopardy. Contestants are BP Executive, Conservative Pro Oil Republican and a Fox News Correspondent.  All answers that cost BP corporate cash will not be answered correctly.  But they will all do well/be competitive on either Lady Gaga or Potpourri category.

3-Forrest Gump Bubba Gump Shrimp Ad-post Oil Spill.

4-Fox News interviewing a Sr. BP Scientific Guest presenting evidence proving sea life and animals are not in fact being killed by the Oil Spill or dispersant but instead auto erotic asphyxia.  ex- Dr: “Based on what we’re finding, apparently an Atlantic Bottlenose Dolphin is to blame for destroying the well head. In an attempt to cut off his own oxygen Chet” reporter Chet: “Why would he do that Dr. Coverupvenclosen?”.  Dr: “Well Chet, Bottlenose Dolphin’s can’t tie a knot and have no belts or door knobs to hang themselves from.”

5-Bush & Son a Sanford and Son parody with GHW and W in the lead roles, the junk yard they are roaming about during the credits is the entire U.S. various locations picking trash. To include Dick Cheney in the Aunt Esther role and Condoleezza Rice as W’s date for the episode.

6-Obama in a Breaking Bad parody.  He’s cooking while in office but got into producing meth not because of cancer but to pay for the US economic recovery.

7-Biography Episode segment of Bombshell McGee re-enactment of her Rumspringa ‘experience’.

8-Dexter/Wall Street mashup parody-He’s stalking Wall Street for victim companies to acquire and dismember (sell off) . Or could go the other way with Dexter character being a sociopathic business head (Madoff type) in the news who’s victims are investors.

9-Two couples out for dinner after seeing the film Marmaduke starring Owen Wilson.  3 of the people think the film is genius/oscar worthy/argue it’s artistic merit and message. 4th person is certain it’s crap but likes the funny kitty because he thinks it gave George Lopez a kidney.

10-Exxon Valdez Captain doing a live radio interview, he’s depressed, apologetic and beaten down after 20 some odd years.  While interview is going current BP Oil Spill story breaks, his attitude begins dramatically improving with each report and he gets cockier with each question as the interview and interlaced news flashes continue.

11-Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson in ‘heaven’ talking about what’s happened/happening on Earth RE: Oil Spill, Fawcett/Jackson coverage differences on day of death and anniversary, difference in lives: Molestation of boys accusations/Giving boys fantasy “material”, compare films (boths films suck so that’s a wash)

12-“Losing it with Jillian” parody where she meets her match in a family of just massive and lethargic flesh.  Whole thing declines to the point she gains 25 pounds, gets suicidally depressed, quits the show and training as a vocation by the end of her 3 weeks with the family.

13-Cocky Rocky Jockey-Parody Commercial for a male alternative to the Booty Pop Panties that make women have a bigger butt.

14-An alley way mugging by a modernized teen version of ‘Our Gang’ with the same names, styles and clothes but using current terminology and references.

15-A ‘Truckers Health Fair’ at a Truck Stop: ex.- “Doc I got this ‘Black Toe’ that smells like cheese and oozes till my boots are full before my days driving is done.”  Parade of out of date/overly severe/out of context ailments: leprosy, black death, hemophiliac with a hickey & a hot date…

16-A Post Pot Legalization California where the Fox News pundits predictions have come true. California has become an Apocalyptic yet Lethargic Wasteland ala’ Escape from New York with little or no ‘energy’.

17-Compulsively lying Russian spies (say, oh I don’t know, 12 for example) sending outrageous lie filled reports back home in order to remain in the USA because even a depression riddled America is better than a fully employed Russia.  Possibly even a Russian Spies ‘brainstorming’ session of their lie filled reports.

18-Lindsay Lohan goes to jail and is just a total bad ass prison ‘gang lord’ (think OZ and Gilmore Girls).

19-The Jolie/Pitts and kids go to Chuckie Cheese’s for the day and their kids are just total racists, rude and spoiled brats to everyone (including their parents) except when a camera is pointed in their direction.

20-President Obama calls a late night ‘Easy No Collateral Loan’ commercial number. Goes through all the phone screen and voice prompts & is refused because the US is bad credit risk under current federal loan requirements.

21-College Cheating ‘Epidemic’: Two testing room monitors and students in a room with a video camera in corner. After explaining testing procedure and starting once one monitor leaves room other monitor goes under video camera and takes digital photo of room, prints copy and hangs it in front of camera. Immediately begins auctioning off specific question answers to highest bidder. Some students protest/ethics, others buy. As questions go along opening bids start higher. Eventually busted, cheating monitor taken out in cuffs. Dean and other monitor give out new tests. Once monitor leaves Dean of Students begins the auction process/cover up again.

22-Two Bees in Napa Valley that are Honey Snobs/Hipsters & oblivious to national “Colony Collapse Disorder”.  Actually an allegory for Republicans & recession denial.

23-Mel Gibson, Joran Van Der Sloot, Lindsay Lohan & Sarah Palin in Impulse Control 12 step group. Each person is sentenced there by the court except Palin who’s been sent there by the RNC due to her ‘Twitter & Facebook Comments and just generally speaking in any public forum/setting”.

24-The Jonas Brothers producing a Death Row Records Christmas Cover album recording session.  Various Rap Artists.  Jonas Bros insist on being called MCJB (no matter which one) and are complete hard asses/thugs that all the gansta rappers are afraid of.

25-Beach Blanket Bingo film set but it’s in the Florida of today.  So the beaches are black, oil covered and Annette Funicello still has MS so she just lays there like an oil soaked seal unable to move doing her lines the entire sketch.

26-(Bonus) Billy Mays from Hell/Purgatory selling Hoof and Horn conditioning/cleaning products.

I really love Entourage…

July 5, 2010, @ 11:08 am Leave a comment

If singing ‘Rape Me’ while watching Entourage, crying & masturbating is gay then I guess I’m not.

3 out of 4 ain’t bad though…

Sorry, it’s a good show and I do watch it,…    The kid that plays Turtle has really grown as an actor since he did Lord of the Rings and Rudy

If you didn’t check him out on IMDB Wikipedia you’d never know he was that little girl from The Cosby Show…