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Filed for the next environmental disaster…

October 14, 2010, @ 3:40 pm 1 comment

What does a comic do with all their old Oil Spill jokes?

Well you type them up and file them away for the next time a scum bag billionaire & his company try and destroy ocean or any other large body of water.   To follow are 26 jokes I wrote regarding the BP Oil Spill, they are in the order written so there is not really a developed bit here it’s just the jokes:

1-BP has decided to let the oil leak flow until next Earth Day when they will shut it down as part of their new “Green Initiative”…

2-British Citizens are angry with American’s for ruining their pensions, which is ok with us, personally I’m still pretty resentful about Hugh Grant & Amy Winehouse still having a career…

3- James Cameron & Kevin Costner both claim to have the solutions to resolving & cleaning up the Oil Spill, which is nice but where were they when McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate?…

4-Al Gore recently stated that scientist feel Sarah Palins Oil Spill “Tweets” are further proof of the hole in the ozone layer,… in her head,… if fluid levels continue to rise on her brain we may have to evacuate the coastal cities soon…

5-BP spin Dr’s are saying this years active hurricane season is good news, look forward to more rainbows in the southeast than in previous years & BONUS, lighter fluid will no longer be required for beach BBQ’s…

6-Surfers around the Gulf Coast are mourning the fact that, possibly for years, they won’t be able to pretend they actually surf…

7-The fact that BP is injecting all this dispersant right into the oil when we don’t know what it’s long term effect will be is also worrisome, maybe we could just pre-coat all the marine life with it to quickly pass the testing phase & save a few critters at the same time…

8-Beach Blanket Bingo would be a much darker film if the made it in Florida today,…  Not because of the oil spill but because Annette Funicello would just lie there in it like a dying seal…

9-Divers in the Florida Keys are all looking towards what the oil spill will do when it reaches the reef,… they’re too colorful & full of diverse life as they are & many divers miss that paved parking lot look while submerged…

10-The Miami Dolphins are considering moving their team,.. apparently since the oil spill there isn’t enough oxygen in the water even in Miami,…  seriously, the Kardashians beached themselves last week…

11-The Tampa Bay Buccaneers & the NFL are looking forward to a themed promotion with BP this season, they’ll be setting the Bay on fire just like pirates did back in the ‘good old days’…

12-Is it just me or does seeing all these oil soaked & coated animals pulled from the Gulf of Mexico make any of you want Long John Silvers too?… I haven’t wanted it in years, but an oily piece of cod would go down like a Lincoln Log (sprinkle covered turd, poppy farm in Istanbul) right about now…

13-I’m starting to get sick of picking on BP though, are any of you feeling like we’re becoming the mean girls in the shower throwing tampons at Carrie yelling “Plug it up, Plug it up!”,…  Obama is like the Coach holding everyone back saying, “Be nice now you girls”,… Cheney & Halliburton are the uber religious Mommy locking BP up in the closet & making it pray all the time…

14-The Gulf Coast Board of Tourism is telling visitors they can look forward to at least 4 more colors in their sunsets this year…

15-The State of Florida is working with corporate sponsors to try & contain the oil spill, they will be airlifting 50 million pounds of Gas-X & dropping it into the Gulf… because it stops gas before it starts…

16-Perhaps instead of a dispersant BP should start putting in some kind of solidifying agent,… Then we could just pull all that oil off the Gulf like a giant pudding skin…

17-Tourism in Nebraska & Kansas is expected to be up this year,… they haven’t had a corn oil spill or a deep well soy bean drilling accident in that area for years…

18-I’ll bet if there was some damned kid from Texas stuck in that blown oil well in the Gulf we’d have a lot better TV coverage…

19-One of the signs that New Orleans never recovered from Katrina is that when the oil spill started there weren’t enough hookers left in the area to blow the well & contain the damage…

20-Maybe it’s time the government & BP called in Long John Silver to consult on the oil spill clean up…  Have you ever been behind one of those restaurants?…  Now there’s an environmental disaster… as well as a serous slip & fall lawsuit waiting to happen…

21-I think BP may be waiting for Superman to fly over & blow all the oil back into the well like he did in Superman III: The Search for a Script…

22-There may finally be a scientific explanation for some of Sarah Palins stupider comments from the campaign trail,… I mean other than inbreeding,… Since the oil spill in the Gulf, people all along the coast have been saying they can see Russia from there…

23-BP was saying that tar balls washing ashore in the Gulf is “normal”,… their absolutely right…  & they’ve been “normal” in the Gulf ever since the same company had an oil rig blow & do the same thing & leak for 8 months into the Gulf of Mexico back in the 70’s,…  Just like with Clinton you have to define what “normal ” is correctly to understand… Just like anal sex is “normal” since the video explosion of the 80’s…

24-I’m not too worried for the oil spill clean up workers health, residents of Alaska did the same jobs after the Exxon Valdez & they had normal lives after…  sure there were a few flipper babies & they elected Sarah Palin as Governor,.. But it’s getting better, you can see Alaskan optimism in their new state motto: “She Resigned!”…

25-Since the oil spill BP has aquired the rights to some of the Disney characters for their upcoming clean up advertising campaign,.. We should be seeing those Tar Babies from ‘Songs of the South’ on TV again soon,.. Yeah I’m beginning to think  BP may not really “get us” as a nation…

26-I look at the CEO of BP on TV & I just really wonder, “Do you think it hurt when his soul was removed rectally?”… I hope it involved some really big tool with lots of spikes,… like one of those knives the bad guys used in ‘Cobra’…

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Big Spot Dot Com…

July 23, 2010, @ 2:52 pm Leave a comment

Has anyone seen the BigSpot.Com commercials?…  With the guy that has the neck basket?…

Somewhere out there in America is a really pissed off inventor,…  He thought he was going to change the world with the neck basket,…    then along comes Big Spot Dot Com to destroy his dreams of a world where Flava Flav still has fashion pull

That is a company with a really bold group of Executives though,…   Big Spot Dot Com, I mean what other company has the balls to make everyone that hears it’s name think of a big menses spot on the mattress that is the internet?…

25 quick comedy sketch ideas…

July 8, 2010, @ 12:25 am 5 comments

1-Steven Seagal explains string theory reality show.

2- Oil Spill Prevention Jeopardy. Contestants are BP Executive, Conservative Pro Oil Republican and a Fox News Correspondent.  All answers that cost BP corporate cash will not be answered correctly.  But they will all do well/be competitive on either Lady Gaga or Potpourri category.

3-Forrest Gump Bubba Gump Shrimp Ad-post Oil Spill.

4-Fox News interviewing a Sr. BP Scientific Guest presenting evidence proving sea life and animals are not in fact being killed by the Oil Spill or dispersant but instead auto erotic asphyxia.  ex- Dr: “Based on what we’re finding, apparently an Atlantic Bottlenose Dolphin is to blame for destroying the well head. In an attempt to cut off his own oxygen Chet” reporter Chet: “Why would he do that Dr. Coverupvenclosen?”.  Dr: “Well Chet, Bottlenose Dolphin’s can’t tie a knot and have no belts or door knobs to hang themselves from.”

5-Bush & Son a Sanford and Son parody with GHW and W in the lead roles, the junk yard they are roaming about during the credits is the entire U.S. various locations picking trash. To include Dick Cheney in the Aunt Esther role and Condoleezza Rice as W’s date for the episode.

6-Obama in a Breaking Bad parody.  He’s cooking while in office but got into producing meth not because of cancer but to pay for the US economic recovery.

7-Biography Episode segment of Bombshell McGee re-enactment of her Rumspringa ‘experience’.

8-Dexter/Wall Street mashup parody-He’s stalking Wall Street for victim companies to acquire and dismember (sell off) . Or could go the other way with Dexter character being a sociopathic business head (Madoff type) in the news who’s victims are investors.

9-Two couples out for dinner after seeing the film Marmaduke starring Owen Wilson.  3 of the people think the film is genius/oscar worthy/argue it’s artistic merit and message. 4th person is certain it’s crap but likes the funny kitty because he thinks it gave George Lopez a kidney.

10-Exxon Valdez Captain doing a live radio interview, he’s depressed, apologetic and beaten down after 20 some odd years.  While interview is going current BP Oil Spill story breaks, his attitude begins dramatically improving with each report and he gets cockier with each question as the interview and interlaced news flashes continue.

11-Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson in ‘heaven’ talking about what’s happened/happening on Earth RE: Oil Spill, Fawcett/Jackson coverage differences on day of death and anniversary, difference in lives: Molestation of boys accusations/Giving boys fantasy “material”, compare films (boths films suck so that’s a wash)

12-“Losing it with Jillian” parody where she meets her match in a family of just massive and lethargic flesh.  Whole thing declines to the point she gains 25 pounds, gets suicidally depressed, quits the show and training as a vocation by the end of her 3 weeks with the family.

13-Cocky Rocky Jockey-Parody Commercial for a male alternative to the Booty Pop Panties that make women have a bigger butt.

14-An alley way mugging by a modernized teen version of ‘Our Gang’ with the same names, styles and clothes but using current terminology and references.

15-A ‘Truckers Health Fair’ at a Truck Stop: ex.- “Doc I got this ‘Black Toe’ that smells like cheese and oozes till my boots are full before my days driving is done.”  Parade of out of date/overly severe/out of context ailments: leprosy, black death, hemophiliac with a hickey & a hot date…

16-A Post Pot Legalization California where the Fox News pundits predictions have come true. California has become an Apocalyptic yet Lethargic Wasteland ala’ Escape from New York with little or no ‘energy’.

17-Compulsively lying Russian spies (say, oh I don’t know, 12 for example) sending outrageous lie filled reports back home in order to remain in the USA because even a depression riddled America is better than a fully employed Russia.  Possibly even a Russian Spies ‘brainstorming’ session of their lie filled reports.

18-Lindsay Lohan goes to jail and is just a total bad ass prison ‘gang lord’ (think OZ and Gilmore Girls).

19-The Jolie/Pitts and kids go to Chuckie Cheese’s for the day and their kids are just total racists, rude and spoiled brats to everyone (including their parents) except when a camera is pointed in their direction.

20-President Obama calls a late night ‘Easy No Collateral Loan’ commercial number. Goes through all the phone screen and voice prompts & is refused because the US is bad credit risk under current federal loan requirements.

21-College Cheating ‘Epidemic’: Two testing room monitors and students in a room with a video camera in corner. After explaining testing procedure and starting once one monitor leaves room other monitor goes under video camera and takes digital photo of room, prints copy and hangs it in front of camera. Immediately begins auctioning off specific question answers to highest bidder. Some students protest/ethics, others buy. As questions go along opening bids start higher. Eventually busted, cheating monitor taken out in cuffs. Dean and other monitor give out new tests. Once monitor leaves Dean of Students begins the auction process/cover up again.

22-Two Bees in Napa Valley that are Honey Snobs/Hipsters & oblivious to national “Colony Collapse Disorder”.  Actually an allegory for Republicans & recession denial.

23-Mel Gibson, Joran Van Der Sloot, Lindsay Lohan & Sarah Palin in Impulse Control 12 step group. Each person is sentenced there by the court except Palin who’s been sent there by the RNC due to her ‘Twitter & Facebook Comments and just generally speaking in any public forum/setting”.

24-The Jonas Brothers producing a Death Row Records Christmas Cover album recording session.  Various Rap Artists.  Jonas Bros insist on being called MCJB (no matter which one) and are complete hard asses/thugs that all the gansta rappers are afraid of.

25-Beach Blanket Bingo film set but it’s in the Florida of today.  So the beaches are black, oil covered and Annette Funicello still has MS so she just lays there like an oil soaked seal unable to move doing her lines the entire sketch.

26-(Bonus) Billy Mays from Hell/Purgatory selling Hoof and Horn conditioning/cleaning products.

And the Oscar goes to, Owen Wilson…

May 24, 2010, @ 7:29 pm Leave a comment

Every time I see a commercial for Marmaduke I can’t help it I think to myself, OSCAR!!!

What’s with Owen Wilson’s material lately?…

Is it just me or is Owen Wilson like the Bizarro version of Matthew McConaughey?…

Think about it, you could interchange them both into any movie the other has done and NOTHING is going to be off about it…     I mean other than the script itself…

Well except the nose…  But you get my point it’s the same accent, same hair, same perfectly chiseled abs…

Bastards.

And so begins the Revolution…

May 22, 2010, @ 1:07 pm Leave a comment

The Revolution has begun folks,…

An iPad shot a Kindle in Massachusetts today…

A Zune is riding West to warn the citizenry…

Of course the irony is no one listens to a Zune…

Take THAT Alanis Morissette!

Commercials are getting too personal for me…

May 12, 2010, @ 2:04 pm Leave a comment

I was sitting at home the other day minding my own business and suddenly a booming yet annoyingly perky and upbeat feminine voice on TV empirically stated:

“Vagasil anti-itch medicated wipes could change your life”…

Now I’d just like to say…

Yes,…  they in fact DID change my life,…  just like you said commercial,…

But I’m still not comfortable being called out on it in my living room like that…

I DO have friends over on occasion…

Dreams can come true, it can happen to you….

July 24, 2009, @ 10:28 am 1 comment

I know most people think I’m a ‘glass is half empty’ kind of guy but that’s just not true….

And while I’m not really a religious person I am beginning to believe in the ‘power of prayer’…. I’ve been praying for years for this one thing and it’s finally come true…

That fucking little Taco Bell dog has finally died… “Yo quero de Taco Bell chihuahua muerto'”….  That’s been my prayer for roughly 10 years now….  More of a mantra really….

I wasn’t really certain of my powers at first….    After I prayed the “Where’s the Beef” lady to the grave….  But now I have independent confirmation….

But that’s one of the reason’s I get really paranoid whenever someone says “I’ll pray for you”….  I mean I appreciate it and all…  Unless of course your praying for my balls to swell, turn black and pendulous then fall off….