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Filed for the next environmental disaster…

October 14, 2010, @ 3:40 pm 1 comment

What does a comic do with all their old Oil Spill jokes?

Well you type them up and file them away for the next time a scum bag billionaire & his company try and destroy ocean or any other large body of water.   To follow are 26 jokes I wrote regarding the BP Oil Spill, they are in the order written so there is not really a developed bit here it’s just the jokes:

1-BP has decided to let the oil leak flow until next Earth Day when they will shut it down as part of their new “Green Initiative”…

2-British Citizens are angry with American’s for ruining their pensions, which is ok with us, personally I’m still pretty resentful about Hugh Grant & Amy Winehouse still having a career…

3- James Cameron & Kevin Costner both claim to have the solutions to resolving & cleaning up the Oil Spill, which is nice but where were they when McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate?…

4-Al Gore recently stated that scientist feel Sarah Palins Oil Spill “Tweets” are further proof of the hole in the ozone layer,… in her head,… if fluid levels continue to rise on her brain we may have to evacuate the coastal cities soon…

5-BP spin Dr’s are saying this years active hurricane season is good news, look forward to more rainbows in the southeast than in previous years & BONUS, lighter fluid will no longer be required for beach BBQ’s…

6-Surfers around the Gulf Coast are mourning the fact that, possibly for years, they won’t be able to pretend they actually surf…

7-The fact that BP is injecting all this dispersant right into the oil when we don’t know what it’s long term effect will be is also worrisome, maybe we could just pre-coat all the marine life with it to quickly pass the testing phase & save a few critters at the same time…

8-Beach Blanket Bingo would be a much darker film if the made it in Florida today,…  Not because of the oil spill but because Annette Funicello would just lie there in it like a dying seal…

9-Divers in the Florida Keys are all looking towards what the oil spill will do when it reaches the reef,… they’re too colorful & full of diverse life as they are & many divers miss that paved parking lot look while submerged…

10-The Miami Dolphins are considering moving their team,.. apparently since the oil spill there isn’t enough oxygen in the water even in Miami,…  seriously, the Kardashians beached themselves last week…

11-The Tampa Bay Buccaneers & the NFL are looking forward to a themed promotion with BP this season, they’ll be setting the Bay on fire just like pirates did back in the ‘good old days’…

12-Is it just me or does seeing all these oil soaked & coated animals pulled from the Gulf of Mexico make any of you want Long John Silvers too?… I haven’t wanted it in years, but an oily piece of cod would go down like a Lincoln Log (sprinkle covered turd, poppy farm in Istanbul) right about now…

13-I’m starting to get sick of picking on BP though, are any of you feeling like we’re becoming the mean girls in the shower throwing tampons at Carrie yelling “Plug it up, Plug it up!”,…  Obama is like the Coach holding everyone back saying, “Be nice now you girls”,… Cheney & Halliburton are the uber religious Mommy locking BP up in the closet & making it pray all the time…

14-The Gulf Coast Board of Tourism is telling visitors they can look forward to at least 4 more colors in their sunsets this year…

15-The State of Florida is working with corporate sponsors to try & contain the oil spill, they will be airlifting 50 million pounds of Gas-X & dropping it into the Gulf… because it stops gas before it starts…

16-Perhaps instead of a dispersant BP should start putting in some kind of solidifying agent,… Then we could just pull all that oil off the Gulf like a giant pudding skin…

17-Tourism in Nebraska & Kansas is expected to be up this year,… they haven’t had a corn oil spill or a deep well soy bean drilling accident in that area for years…

18-I’ll bet if there was some damned kid from Texas stuck in that blown oil well in the Gulf we’d have a lot better TV coverage…

19-One of the signs that New Orleans never recovered from Katrina is that when the oil spill started there weren’t enough hookers left in the area to blow the well & contain the damage…

20-Maybe it’s time the government & BP called in Long John Silver to consult on the oil spill clean up…  Have you ever been behind one of those restaurants?…  Now there’s an environmental disaster… as well as a serous slip & fall lawsuit waiting to happen…

21-I think BP may be waiting for Superman to fly over & blow all the oil back into the well like he did in Superman III: The Search for a Script…

22-There may finally be a scientific explanation for some of Sarah Palins stupider comments from the campaign trail,… I mean other than inbreeding,… Since the oil spill in the Gulf, people all along the coast have been saying they can see Russia from there…

23-BP was saying that tar balls washing ashore in the Gulf is “normal”,… their absolutely right…  & they’ve been “normal” in the Gulf ever since the same company had an oil rig blow & do the same thing & leak for 8 months into the Gulf of Mexico back in the 70’s,…  Just like with Clinton you have to define what “normal ” is correctly to understand… Just like anal sex is “normal” since the video explosion of the 80’s…

24-I’m not too worried for the oil spill clean up workers health, residents of Alaska did the same jobs after the Exxon Valdez & they had normal lives after…  sure there were a few flipper babies & they elected Sarah Palin as Governor,.. But it’s getting better, you can see Alaskan optimism in their new state motto: “She Resigned!”…

25-Since the oil spill BP has aquired the rights to some of the Disney characters for their upcoming clean up advertising campaign,.. We should be seeing those Tar Babies from ‘Songs of the South’ on TV again soon,.. Yeah I’m beginning to think  BP may not really “get us” as a nation…

26-I look at the CEO of BP on TV & I just really wonder, “Do you think it hurt when his soul was removed rectally?”… I hope it involved some really big tool with lots of spikes,… like one of those knives the bad guys used in ‘Cobra’…

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Big Spot Dot Com…

July 23, 2010, @ 2:52 pm Leave a comment

Has anyone seen the BigSpot.Com commercials?…  With the guy that has the neck basket?…

Somewhere out there in America is a really pissed off inventor,…  He thought he was going to change the world with the neck basket,…    then along comes Big Spot Dot Com to destroy his dreams of a world where Flava Flav still has fashion pull

That is a company with a really bold group of Executives though,…   Big Spot Dot Com, I mean what other company has the balls to make everyone that hears it’s name think of a big menses spot on the mattress that is the internet?…

It’s not over till the Fat Tar Ball Floats ashore…

July 19, 2010, @ 2:51 pm 1 comment

BP seems to think they have the Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico contained and under control…  So it seems it’s all over now.

But stuff can wash ashore for years when you least expect it…   Just ask Scott Peterson

And I’m sure as soon as he can get the dick/cock/member out of his toothless bloody mouth he will agree…

I also had a thought regarding the clean up,…  If everyone going to/visiting the Gulf Coast over the next few years picked up & mailed just 1 Tar Ball to BP corporate headquarters & a network news anchor of their choice,….   the post office might smell better,…  eventually…

Stick it to the British or The New Tea Party…

July 16, 2010, @ 3:08 pm Leave a comment

Does anyone here like Iced Coffee?…  Yeah!…  I can’t stand it!

There are 3 things that should always be hot…   Coffee, Women & Burning Napalm Stuck to babies and children as they run down the street…   At least that’s what they used to make us sing in the Army as we exercised…

I can’t stand Iced Coffee yet I love Iced Tea,…  But I’ve always enjoyed sticking it to the British, not just when they were destroying the Gulf of Mexico

BP seems to have repaired their ‘little inconvenience’ but honestly I think they had help we’re not hearing about,…   They cut off and capped the tip, this sounds like the work of a Moyel!

I mean sure it appears they’ve stopped the leak but really it’s the ‘gift that keeps on giving’…  MMMM, wait till you smell the Gulf Coast come late August!

There’s nothing like the smell of rotting flesh and carcasses washing ashore to really let you know that Autumn is just around the corner,…   Maybe the Gulf states can advertise it likes trips to Vermont in October…  “Missing the smell of week old tuna cans in the trash?  Well come to Florida!  Discounted Sushi all winter long for the 2010-11 season!”

Anti-gun Lobbyist Ammunition…

July 15, 2010, @ 12:36 pm Leave a comment

Statistically speaking, if you’re going to be shot, you’re going to be shot by someone you know

Personally speaking, if I’m going to be shot, I’d prefer an to be shot by an expert

I figure there are fewer ‘issues’ that way…

The problem is, I’m the only expert marksman I know personally, and I don’t believe in using guns for suicide…

Why give the anti-gun lobbies any more ammunition…

Kickboxing for Koalas…

July 15, 2010, @ 11:43 am 1 comment

If someone with vision were to take the initiative and just teach Kickboxing to Koalas they wouldn’t be on the brink of extinction…

There are so few people with vision left, they need your support

Many people think that it’s safe to say the Koalas don’t understand why their numbers are dwindling,  so what good would it do to teach them Kickboxing anyway?…

But they know! Why do you think they’re such compulsive over eaters?  They’re eating their worry/pain/angst!…

Plus Koalas have a shitty front kick and foot sweep so their really pretty vulnerable there,…   No really, you just have to step back and they practically fall right over…  You can just ‘tap’ them.

(thinking pain or angst are funnier)

National Incident Commander Thad Allen…

July 14, 2010, @ 3:46 pm Leave a comment

I read recently National Incident Commander Thad Allen is to take over the lead role in ‘MacGruber  2: Eclipse of the Gulf’

National Incident Commander… Is it just me or does that Job Title sound suspiciously like a ‘Temp Job‘…     ‘Fall Guy’, whatever…  at least there’s a movie role on the horizon for that as well…  Temp workers have to keep their eye on the future…

BP had their New and Improved Well Cap all ready to go but ‘That Girl’ Thad Allen said the government stopped them temporarily, because they don’t want to create an “irreversible mistake”…  Like Off Shore Drilling or allowing another Bush to get elected.