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Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Filed for the next environmental disaster…

October 14, 2010, @ 3:40 pm 1 comment

What does a comic do with all their old Oil Spill jokes?

Well you type them up and file them away for the next time a scum bag billionaire & his company try and destroy ocean or any other large body of water.   To follow are 26 jokes I wrote regarding the BP Oil Spill, they are in the order written so there is not really a developed bit here it’s just the jokes:

1-BP has decided to let the oil leak flow until next Earth Day when they will shut it down as part of their new “Green Initiative”…

2-British Citizens are angry with American’s for ruining their pensions, which is ok with us, personally I’m still pretty resentful about Hugh Grant & Amy Winehouse still having a career…

3- James Cameron & Kevin Costner both claim to have the solutions to resolving & cleaning up the Oil Spill, which is nice but where were they when McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate?…

4-Al Gore recently stated that scientist feel Sarah Palins Oil Spill “Tweets” are further proof of the hole in the ozone layer,… in her head,… if fluid levels continue to rise on her brain we may have to evacuate the coastal cities soon…

5-BP spin Dr’s are saying this years active hurricane season is good news, look forward to more rainbows in the southeast than in previous years & BONUS, lighter fluid will no longer be required for beach BBQ’s…

6-Surfers around the Gulf Coast are mourning the fact that, possibly for years, they won’t be able to pretend they actually surf…

7-The fact that BP is injecting all this dispersant right into the oil when we don’t know what it’s long term effect will be is also worrisome, maybe we could just pre-coat all the marine life with it to quickly pass the testing phase & save a few critters at the same time…

8-Beach Blanket Bingo would be a much darker film if the made it in Florida today,…  Not because of the oil spill but because Annette Funicello would just lie there in it like a dying seal…

9-Divers in the Florida Keys are all looking towards what the oil spill will do when it reaches the reef,… they’re too colorful & full of diverse life as they are & many divers miss that paved parking lot look while submerged…

10-The Miami Dolphins are considering moving their team,.. apparently since the oil spill there isn’t enough oxygen in the water even in Miami,…  seriously, the Kardashians beached themselves last week…

11-The Tampa Bay Buccaneers & the NFL are looking forward to a themed promotion with BP this season, they’ll be setting the Bay on fire just like pirates did back in the ‘good old days’…

12-Is it just me or does seeing all these oil soaked & coated animals pulled from the Gulf of Mexico make any of you want Long John Silvers too?… I haven’t wanted it in years, but an oily piece of cod would go down like a Lincoln Log (sprinkle covered turd, poppy farm in Istanbul) right about now…

13-I’m starting to get sick of picking on BP though, are any of you feeling like we’re becoming the mean girls in the shower throwing tampons at Carrie yelling “Plug it up, Plug it up!”,…  Obama is like the Coach holding everyone back saying, “Be nice now you girls”,… Cheney & Halliburton are the uber religious Mommy locking BP up in the closet & making it pray all the time…

14-The Gulf Coast Board of Tourism is telling visitors they can look forward to at least 4 more colors in their sunsets this year…

15-The State of Florida is working with corporate sponsors to try & contain the oil spill, they will be airlifting 50 million pounds of Gas-X & dropping it into the Gulf… because it stops gas before it starts…

16-Perhaps instead of a dispersant BP should start putting in some kind of solidifying agent,… Then we could just pull all that oil off the Gulf like a giant pudding skin…

17-Tourism in Nebraska & Kansas is expected to be up this year,… they haven’t had a corn oil spill or a deep well soy bean drilling accident in that area for years…

18-I’ll bet if there was some damned kid from Texas stuck in that blown oil well in the Gulf we’d have a lot better TV coverage…

19-One of the signs that New Orleans never recovered from Katrina is that when the oil spill started there weren’t enough hookers left in the area to blow the well & contain the damage…

20-Maybe it’s time the government & BP called in Long John Silver to consult on the oil spill clean up…  Have you ever been behind one of those restaurants?…  Now there’s an environmental disaster… as well as a serous slip & fall lawsuit waiting to happen…

21-I think BP may be waiting for Superman to fly over & blow all the oil back into the well like he did in Superman III: The Search for a Script…

22-There may finally be a scientific explanation for some of Sarah Palins stupider comments from the campaign trail,… I mean other than inbreeding,… Since the oil spill in the Gulf, people all along the coast have been saying they can see Russia from there…

23-BP was saying that tar balls washing ashore in the Gulf is “normal”,… their absolutely right…  & they’ve been “normal” in the Gulf ever since the same company had an oil rig blow & do the same thing & leak for 8 months into the Gulf of Mexico back in the 70’s,…  Just like with Clinton you have to define what “normal ” is correctly to understand… Just like anal sex is “normal” since the video explosion of the 80’s…

24-I’m not too worried for the oil spill clean up workers health, residents of Alaska did the same jobs after the Exxon Valdez & they had normal lives after…  sure there were a few flipper babies & they elected Sarah Palin as Governor,.. But it’s getting better, you can see Alaskan optimism in their new state motto: “She Resigned!”…

25-Since the oil spill BP has aquired the rights to some of the Disney characters for their upcoming clean up advertising campaign,.. We should be seeing those Tar Babies from ‘Songs of the South’ on TV again soon,.. Yeah I’m beginning to think  BP may not really “get us” as a nation…

26-I look at the CEO of BP on TV & I just really wonder, “Do you think it hurt when his soul was removed rectally?”… I hope it involved some really big tool with lots of spikes,… like one of those knives the bad guys used in ‘Cobra’…

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Flailing about miserably in the land of hipsters…

September 16, 2010, @ 3:27 pm 1 comment

OK, so August was a total wash out that did not go as planned.   But we shall get back on track.

Sad to say (for you not them) that my family comes first and I’ve had issues over the past month and a half which prevented me from attaining my goal of getting out 5 nights a week by the end of August.  I kind of set that bar high anyway, but I’ll keep working for it till I get to it.

Twitter has kind of become a new home for me to post short ideas as they come into my head, so be sure to follow me there or keep your eye on the stuff to your right over there ——->

I’m going to also be trying something new with my Twitter.  I’ll be having regular joke topics defined by the hashtag (#).  The 3 I currently have are #FailedFranchiseIdeas, #ProofYourAloneInTheUniverse & #JennyCraigsLostWeekends.  Each will be for a different day of the week, so I’ll be working on coming up with 2 more I like for the other 2 days, Monday thru Friday.

I’m also going to be posting back here at least once per week with new stuff I’m writing again.  I don’t see any point in not posting for the people who actually DO read my stuff, considering that’s all I’m able to provide at this point.

Also I do have an Improv show scheduled for Saturday Oct. 9th at The Spindrift Theater in Pacifica, CA. 8pm with Asylum.

Last if your in the area you may see me trolling around the Golden Gate Park for the San Francisco Comedy Day.  Be sure to check it out they have a bunch of great comics including Will Durst.   The shows start Sunday Sept. 19th 2010 at 12pm to 5pm.

Big Spot Dot Com…

July 23, 2010, @ 2:52 pm Leave a comment

Has anyone seen the BigSpot.Com commercials?…  With the guy that has the neck basket?…

Somewhere out there in America is a really pissed off inventor,…  He thought he was going to change the world with the neck basket,…    then along comes Big Spot Dot Com to destroy his dreams of a world where Flava Flav still has fashion pull

That is a company with a really bold group of Executives though,…   Big Spot Dot Com, I mean what other company has the balls to make everyone that hears it’s name think of a big menses spot on the mattress that is the internet?…

Quick Sketch Idea…

July 23, 2010, @ 10:29 am Leave a comment

An Executive Assistant with ‘do not disturb orders’ holds off a Zombie horde as his boss is oblivious and continually interrupting defensive efforts with personal requests.

Writing & Working out a set…

July 21, 2010, @ 12:18 pm 1 comment

Over the next few weeks I’m working on memorizing a new set (5-7 minutes) to start doing at the open mics starting in the beginning of August here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Most of my stuff I think of on the fly will still be going up to twitter so you can see some jokes there and I will probably just repost the thoughts here as well until I start to work out the rest of the bit.

But I’m not going to be posting what I consider to be a finished ‘starting bit’ (that being a beginning of a bit that is not entirely developed like maybe about a 30 second to 1 minute joke which can eventually grow to a 5 or 10 minute bit if it seems popular and you keep adding to it). Those ‘starting bits’ are basically the type of the stuff I’ve posted here over the years.

None of them are the same anymore, so whatever I’m working on (I’m not telling) is not the same as what was written here. It’s gotten better!

I’m pretty satisfied with the way my writing has progressed over the last two years, when I look back it’s easy for me to see the changes and progression from being too ‘wordy’ (a lesson learned by doing an open mic and working the joke on stage) to better use of imagery and language. I also learned a major lesson one night in that I will NEVER AGAIN count on a club providing a needed prop for a joke (I was counting on a working Mic stand, silly me, as part of a joke). And at this time I’ve only been out about 16 times in the last 2 years.

So this is the point I am at in my Comedy/Writing career:
–Building what I feel will be my first decently written and original 5-7 minute set.
–Beginning to work that material on stage more frequently, people at my house laugh at my stuff but they don’t want to sit through the show 5 nights a week. My goal is to be going out to an Open Mic five nights a week by the end of August 2010. I have places I know of for Wednesday and Thursday nights, so I need to figure out the other 3 nights that fit in best with my personal family life.
–Goal, try to get paid in actual American currency for doing my stuff before the end of 2010.

So there we go three reasonable goals for me. What’s on your list?

Stick it to the British or The New Tea Party…

July 16, 2010, @ 3:08 pm Leave a comment

Does anyone here like Iced Coffee?…  Yeah!…  I can’t stand it!

There are 3 things that should always be hot…   Coffee, Women & Burning Napalm Stuck to babies and children as they run down the street…   At least that’s what they used to make us sing in the Army as we exercised…

I can’t stand Iced Coffee yet I love Iced Tea,…  But I’ve always enjoyed sticking it to the British, not just when they were destroying the Gulf of Mexico

BP seems to have repaired their ‘little inconvenience’ but honestly I think they had help we’re not hearing about,…   They cut off and capped the tip, this sounds like the work of a Moyel!

I mean sure it appears they’ve stopped the leak but really it’s the ‘gift that keeps on giving’…  MMMM, wait till you smell the Gulf Coast come late August!

There’s nothing like the smell of rotting flesh and carcasses washing ashore to really let you know that Autumn is just around the corner,…   Maybe the Gulf states can advertise it likes trips to Vermont in October…  “Missing the smell of week old tuna cans in the trash?  Well come to Florida!  Discounted Sushi all winter long for the 2010-11 season!”

It’s called a Podcast Gracie…

July 12, 2010, @ 11:36 am 2 comments

I’m starting to think that Podcasting is bringing about a second ‘Golden Age’ of radio comedy, without all that pesky Tokyo Rose type interference.  At this point there are not enough executive’s involved to screw up the writing, so if your not already listening I’d suggest you start.  In fact, I would suggest downloading and backing up everything you like now before the FCC and executives in general get involved and muck it all up.  Also, I’m not even going to suggest who you listen too, if you want to know who I listen too just look at previous postings and follow the links.

Just to make my point, let me tell you a couple stories that have nothing to do with Podcasting.

I was, surprisingly, somewhat of a smart ass as a kid and could fit in pretty much with any group.  It was one of the techniques I used, being moved around a lot as a child, using comedy to weave my way through the land mines of American High Schools throughout the Mid-West and Southeast.  But ultimately my friends I spent my off time with were of the techie (this is early 80’s mind you too, techies had to wait for the A/V cart to use the one Mac in school) and comic book variety.

Now in the mid to late 80’s a friend and I were comic shop diving after smoking weed, which helps in the appreciation of the artwork and the attitude of most shop owners.  And we stumbled across the First Run Brand New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Now stop the tittering for a second and let me just tell you, this used to be a cool book.  They were adult oriented and really one of the first ‘graphic’ type comics.  They were not only a graphic novel but a graphic comic book series, this was not a one time thing.  This was something we loved and cherished and followed for years!

When I joined the Army in the late 80’s it was still pretty unknown.  Of course being a soldier and a ‘rebel with a job’ I decided to get a tattoo so I found one of my favorite graphic pics of Leonardo as I enjoyed that character.  The tattoo artist was bemused to say the least as apparently TMNT had not hit the ‘shores’ of Wichita Falls, TX., which has neither Falls or any Wichita’s left (from what I saw there were only white people).  She had to create the template and I made her redo it about 4 times before I’d get the work done because I wanted it done right, she was really pissed off but understood I wouldn’t get it if she didn’t do it right.  So I got the work done eventually and went about my life with what I felt was surely the most unique and individualistic piece of artistic body art that anyone would ever see.

Two years later some Executive’s child somewhere found a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ruined my life forever.  They bastardized it and kiddie-fied it beyond recognition. Now every time someone sees my Ninja Turtle tattoo I get the ‘look’ that says, “Are you a retard or just a dumb ass?”  End of story one in which an executive and the general public become involved and ruined my life.

Our second event occurs at a time shortly before Universal Studios Florida in Orlando opened their second theme park, Islands of Adventure a Comic Book Themed park.  I’ve also noticed, as I write this, that this story also involves comic book characters and I am an even bigger dork than even I previously thought was possible for any 42 year old adult male that is able to walk the earth without a leash attached and a group home being involved…  But I digress.

Before Islands of Adventure was opened publicly they did what is known as a ‘soft opening’, the park was open but not advertised.  This is a period in which they were testing the rides for the first time with general public riders.  If you purchased an annual pass at that time you got several months free for being a human guinea pig and crash test dummy.  Of course I said great and bought passes for the whole family!

I am unequivocally a roller coaster ‘nut’ and one of the great joys I have in life now is being able to go on roller coasters with my kids because my wife is a big wimp (she’s 4’11” tall so this is a ‘little’  in joke).  During this testing phase of the facility I rode every coaster in that park multiple times again and again.  I would go down on days I was off work and the kids were in school and ride for 5 hours and get to school to pick them up.  It was great those rides were fast and threw you around perfectly with no jerkiness or rough rides, you’d get positive G’s and negative G’s and get off the rides with the biggest erection you ever saw on a person, women included.

About a week before the park opened I went by for one last unadulterated ‘fling’ with my lover before she was put out on the street for cash.  I got on The Hulk, it took off but something was wrong.  I thought “Maybe I’m just getting too used too this?”  But as we were coming around the last few loops and curves in the back, the ride got all jerky and started throwing your head around smacking it on both sides into the damned restraints.  In fact if you happened to be, like me, holding your hands on either side there you would pummel yourself in the face with rapid knuckle punches.  It was really very refreshing for your first ride of the day!

I got off a little perplexed with minor bruising and asked one of the operators on the disembarkation side of the ride, “Hey what’s up, the rides slower and I just beat the hell out of my skull?”  His reply, “Oh they slowed down all the rides because of the test groups, all the older people said they were too fast.”  And with that he popped a zit and went back to touching patrons who were getting on the ride next.

This totally pissed me off, didn’t this kids parents realize he needed a Dermatologist!  There were Engineers involved here who designed these rides to go “so fast” in order to allow for the ride to be smooth and work properly.  But now a damned Focus Group had over ridden those decisions and apparently physics!  The stupidest part is that it is obvious when you ride those rides now that by running them slower they cause more stress on the supports.  That’s why the rides are now ‘jerky’ at some points, they are not going at the intended speed to prevent that action.  Also they are stressing the ride and destroying it more quickly and then next thing you know Fabio gets hit in the face by a low flying Goose on a roller coaster.

So what do we learn from all this?  Well first, everyone other than me is stupid and wants to ruin my life specifically apparently, because I’m not allowed to have any joy.  But more importantly, hopefully I’ve proven my point.

If you like comedy and want to hear some great stuff that’s free and has not had the chance to be destroyed by the General Public Bitching, Executives or Government Oversight then for the love of a God I don’t even believe in please, Support Your Favorite Comedy Podcasts.

Because George and Gracie would be on one if they could (and they would be great at it too)!