Archive
Article Link for Asylum Improv Show
Article about the Improv Show I was in last week: http://tinyurl.com/2brzc5u
Flailing about miserably in the land of hipsters…
OK, so August was a total wash out that did not go as planned. But we shall get back on track.
Sad to say (for you not them) that my family comes first and I’ve had issues over the past month and a half which prevented me from attaining my goal of getting out 5 nights a week by the end of August. I kind of set that bar high anyway, but I’ll keep working for it till I get to it.
Twitter has kind of become a new home for me to post short ideas as they come into my head, so be sure to follow me there or keep your eye on the stuff to your right over there ——->
I’m going to also be trying something new with my Twitter. I’ll be having regular joke topics defined by the hashtag (#). The 3 I currently have are #FailedFranchiseIdeas, #ProofYourAloneInTheUniverse & #JennyCraigsLostWeekends. Each will be for a different day of the week, so I’ll be working on coming up with 2 more I like for the other 2 days, Monday thru Friday.
I’m also going to be posting back here at least once per week with new stuff I’m writing again. I don’t see any point in not posting for the people who actually DO read my stuff, considering that’s all I’m able to provide at this point.
Also I do have an Improv show scheduled for Saturday Oct. 9th at The Spindrift Theater in Pacifica, CA. 8pm with Asylum.
Last if your in the area you may see me trolling around the Golden Gate Park for the San Francisco Comedy Day. Be sure to check it out they have a bunch of great comics including Will Durst. The shows start Sunday Sept. 19th 2010 at 12pm to 5pm.
Big Spot Dot Com…
Has anyone seen the BigSpot.Com commercials?… With the guy that has the neck basket?…
Somewhere out there in America is a really pissed off inventor,… He thought he was going to change the world with the neck basket,… then along comes Big Spot Dot Com to destroy his dreams of a world where Flava Flav still has fashion pull…
That is a company with a really bold group of Executives though,… Big Spot Dot Com, I mean what other company has the balls to make everyone that hears it’s name think of a big menses spot on the mattress that is the internet?…
Quick Sketch Idea…
An Executive Assistant with ‘do not disturb orders’ holds off a Zombie horde as his boss is oblivious and continually interrupting defensive efforts with personal requests.
Writing & Working out a set…
Over the next few weeks I’m working on memorizing a new set (5-7 minutes) to start doing at the open mics starting in the beginning of August here in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Most of my stuff I think of on the fly will still be going up to twitter so you can see some jokes there and I will probably just repost the thoughts here as well until I start to work out the rest of the bit.
But I’m not going to be posting what I consider to be a finished ‘starting bit’ (that being a beginning of a bit that is not entirely developed like maybe about a 30 second to 1 minute joke which can eventually grow to a 5 or 10 minute bit if it seems popular and you keep adding to it). Those ‘starting bits’ are basically the type of the stuff I’ve posted here over the years.
None of them are the same anymore, so whatever I’m working on (I’m not telling) is not the same as what was written here. It’s gotten better!
I’m pretty satisfied with the way my writing has progressed over the last two years, when I look back it’s easy for me to see the changes and progression from being too ‘wordy’ (a lesson learned by doing an open mic and working the joke on stage) to better use of imagery and language. I also learned a major lesson one night in that I will NEVER AGAIN count on a club providing a needed prop for a joke (I was counting on a working Mic stand, silly me, as part of a joke). And at this time I’ve only been out about 16 times in the last 2 years.
So this is the point I am at in my Comedy/Writing career:
–Building what I feel will be my first decently written and original 5-7 minute set.
–Beginning to work that material on stage more frequently, people at my house laugh at my stuff but they don’t want to sit through the show 5 nights a week. My goal is to be going out to an Open Mic five nights a week by the end of August 2010. I have places I know of for Wednesday and Thursday nights, so I need to figure out the other 3 nights that fit in best with my personal family life.
–Goal, try to get paid in actual American currency for doing my stuff before the end of 2010.
So there we go three reasonable goals for me. What’s on your list?
It’s not over till the Fat Tar Ball Floats ashore…
BP seems to think they have the Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico contained and under control… So it seems it’s all over now.
But stuff can wash ashore for years when you least expect it… Just ask Scott Peterson…
And I’m sure as soon as he can get the dick/cock/member out of his toothless bloody mouth he will agree…
I also had a thought regarding the clean up,… If everyone going to/visiting the Gulf Coast over the next few years picked up & mailed just 1 Tar Ball to BP corporate headquarters & a network news anchor of their choice,…. the post office might smell better,… eventually…
Stick it to the British or The New Tea Party…
Does anyone here like Iced Coffee?… Yeah!… I can’t stand it!…
There are 3 things that should always be hot… Coffee, Women & Burning Napalm Stuck to babies and children as they run down the street… At least that’s what they used to make us sing in the Army as we exercised…
I can’t stand Iced Coffee yet I love Iced Tea,… But I’ve always enjoyed sticking it to the British, not just when they were destroying the Gulf of Mexico…
BP seems to have repaired their ‘little inconvenience’ but honestly I think they had help we’re not hearing about,… They cut off and capped the tip, this sounds like the work of a Moyel!…
I mean sure it appears they’ve stopped the leak but really it’s the ‘gift that keeps on giving’… MMMM, wait till you smell the Gulf Coast come late August!…
There’s nothing like the smell of rotting flesh and carcasses washing ashore to really let you know that Autumn is just around the corner,… Maybe the Gulf states can advertise it likes trips to Vermont in October… “Missing the smell of week old tuna cans in the trash? Well come to Florida! Discounted Sushi all winter long for the 2010-11 season!”
Kickboxing for Koalas…
If someone with vision were to take the initiative and just teach Kickboxing to Koalas they wouldn’t be on the brink of extinction…
There are so few people with vision left, they need your support…
Many people think that it’s safe to say the Koalas don’t understand why their numbers are dwindling, so what good would it do to teach them Kickboxing anyway?…
But they know! Why do you think they’re such compulsive over eaters? They’re eating their worry/pain/angst!…
Plus Koalas have a shitty front kick and foot sweep so their really pretty vulnerable there,… No really, you just have to step back and they practically fall right over… You can just ‘tap’ them.
(thinking pain or angst are funnier)
It’s called a Podcast Gracie…
I’m starting to think that Podcasting is bringing about a second ‘Golden Age’ of radio comedy, without all that pesky Tokyo Rose type interference. At this point there are not enough executive’s involved to screw up the writing, so if your not already listening I’d suggest you start. In fact, I would suggest downloading and backing up everything you like now before the FCC and executives in general get involved and muck it all up. Also, I’m not even going to suggest who you listen too, if you want to know who I listen too just look at previous postings and follow the links.
Just to make my point, let me tell you a couple stories that have nothing to do with Podcasting.
I was, surprisingly, somewhat of a smart ass as a kid and could fit in pretty much with any group. It was one of the techniques I used, being moved around a lot as a child, using comedy to weave my way through the land mines of American High Schools throughout the Mid-West and Southeast. But ultimately my friends I spent my off time with were of the techie (this is early 80’s mind you too, techies had to wait for the A/V cart to use the one Mac in school) and comic book variety.
Now in the mid to late 80’s a friend and I were comic shop diving after smoking weed, which helps in the appreciation of the artwork and the attitude of most shop owners. And we stumbled across the First Run Brand New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now stop the tittering for a second and let me just tell you, this used to be a cool book. They were adult oriented and really one of the first ‘graphic’ type comics. They were not only a graphic novel but a graphic comic book series, this was not a one time thing. This was something we loved and cherished and followed for years!
When I joined the Army in the late 80’s it was still pretty unknown. Of course being a soldier and a ‘rebel with a job’ I decided to get a tattoo so I found one of my favorite graphic pics of Leonardo as I enjoyed that character. The tattoo artist was bemused to say the least as apparently TMNT had not hit the ‘shores’ of Wichita Falls, TX., which has neither Falls or any Wichita’s left (from what I saw there were only white people). She had to create the template and I made her redo it about 4 times before I’d get the work done because I wanted it done right, she was really pissed off but understood I wouldn’t get it if she didn’t do it right. So I got the work done eventually and went about my life with what I felt was surely the most unique and individualistic piece of artistic body art that anyone would ever see.
Two years later some Executive’s child somewhere found a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ruined my life forever. They bastardized it and kiddie-fied it beyond recognition. Now every time someone sees my Ninja Turtle tattoo I get the ‘look’ that says, “Are you a retard or just a dumb ass?” End of story one in which an executive and the general public become involved and ruined my life.
Our second event occurs at a time shortly before Universal Studios Florida in Orlando opened their second theme park, Islands of Adventure a Comic Book Themed park. I’ve also noticed, as I write this, that this story also involves comic book characters and I am an even bigger dork than even I previously thought was possible for any 42 year old adult male that is able to walk the earth without a leash attached and a group home being involved… But I digress.
Before Islands of Adventure was opened publicly they did what is known as a ‘soft opening’, the park was open but not advertised. This is a period in which they were testing the rides for the first time with general public riders. If you purchased an annual pass at that time you got several months free for being a human guinea pig and crash test dummy. Of course I said great and bought passes for the whole family!
I am unequivocally a roller coaster ‘nut’ and one of the great joys I have in life now is being able to go on roller coasters with my kids because my wife is a big wimp (she’s 4’11” tall so this is a ‘little’ in joke). During this testing phase of the facility I rode every coaster in that park multiple times again and again. I would go down on days I was off work and the kids were in school and ride for 5 hours and get to school to pick them up. It was great those rides were fast and threw you around perfectly with no jerkiness or rough rides, you’d get positive G’s and negative G’s and get off the rides with the biggest erection you ever saw on a person, women included.
About a week before the park opened I went by for one last unadulterated ‘fling’ with my lover before she was put out on the street for cash. I got on The Hulk, it took off but something was wrong. I thought “Maybe I’m just getting too used too this?” But as we were coming around the last few loops and curves in the back, the ride got all jerky and started throwing your head around smacking it on both sides into the damned restraints. In fact if you happened to be, like me, holding your hands on either side there you would pummel yourself in the face with rapid knuckle punches. It was really very refreshing for your first ride of the day!
I got off a little perplexed with minor bruising and asked one of the operators on the disembarkation side of the ride, “Hey what’s up, the rides slower and I just beat the hell out of my skull?” His reply, “Oh they slowed down all the rides because of the test groups, all the older people said they were too fast.” And with that he popped a zit and went back to touching patrons who were getting on the ride next.
This totally pissed me off, didn’t this kids parents realize he needed a Dermatologist! There were Engineers involved here who designed these rides to go “so fast” in order to allow for the ride to be smooth and work properly. But now a damned Focus Group had over ridden those decisions and apparently physics! The stupidest part is that it is obvious when you ride those rides now that by running them slower they cause more stress on the supports. That’s why the rides are now ‘jerky’ at some points, they are not going at the intended speed to prevent that action. Also they are stressing the ride and destroying it more quickly and then next thing you know Fabio gets hit in the face by a low flying Goose on a roller coaster.
So what do we learn from all this? Well first, everyone other than me is stupid and wants to ruin my life specifically apparently, because I’m not allowed to have any joy. But more importantly, hopefully I’ve proven my point.
If you like comedy and want to hear some great stuff that’s free and has not had the chance to be destroyed by the General Public Bitching, Executives or Government Oversight then for the love of a God I don’t even believe in please, Support Your Favorite Comedy Podcasts.
Because George and Gracie would be on one if they could (and they would be great at it too)!
The Pirates of Penzance
I often wonder,…
If the Pirates of Penzance were alive today…
Do you think they would do pilaties?…
I do…
But then they had panache…
You Make the Call…
The day my family was having our Reunion back East,… That’s the direction that doesn’t lead you into the Pacific Ocean… The day of the reunion I was sitting there watching ‘Fatal Attraction’ in HD…
And this made me think, “Example of Symmetry? OR Newton’s Third Law?”
You Make the Call…
Since my brother was there and ‘on the field’ as it were, I asked him to officiate for me…
His return text was a bit disturbing,… his judgment call was that it was more in line with Symmetry, apparently things got pretty rough around the “buffet area”…
But in our defense we are all pretty damned good cooks…
What’s with California and the 40 oz?…
What’s with Cali and the 40 ounce?
I got no “homies” to spill half of this out for,… that’s why in Florida I only got 16 oz cans…
But those are not available here… I need to meet and befriend more gang members so I can have someone to spill out half of my 40’s for… eventually...
How’s this sound as an opener as I walk up, “Why Hello there my “Homie” ,…
How’s the gat, in your parlance if you’ll excuse the phrase, hangin’ holmes?”…
I think it shall go well…
A friend of mine didn’t care for this joke, because apparently all jokes are real and I mostly drink Guinness when I drink beer and they don’t actually sell 40 oz’ers…
So I told him, “You know what, your right. I actually need to meet more Irish Gangsters,… specifically turn of the century Irish Gangsters. Sort of a Daniel Day Lewis ‘Bill the Butcher’ type from Gangs of New York”…
I haven’t been to New York in a couple years do they still have that?… Guys strolling around the City with Meat Cleavers and other tools used in the industrial slaughter of animals?…
If they don’t I’m not sure how I’m going to make this joke real…
Ari Emanuel Your My Hero…
William Morris Endeavor Agency dropped Mel Gibson as a client,…
I never thought I’d say this but Ari Emanuel has more heart than Dick Cheney…
Help Keep Green Room on Showtime…
Send a letter of support telling Showtime to bring Green Room back next season, this year was their first year and it is great. Please e-mail a letter to: GreenRoom.Showtime@gmail.com
For example here is my letter with the ‘relevant’ contact information deleted, my apologies to Annie Wilkes.
Of course feel free to change up the part about being a Systems Engineer/Stand Up I understand that parts kind of “specific”.
———-
Dear Corporate Bean Counters,
Please continue this series Greenroom on Showtime, in fact give them more episodes per season please! Such a great and interesting show. I’m a subscriber and this is great, now if you can just get better writing on Weeds, which has just gotten stupid last season, I’ll be pleased with most everything about your network.
As a professional Systems Engineer and stand up, I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed this show and it’s format. Starting in entertainment later in life as Jonathan Winters it was great to see him again in such a freeing format to open up.
Thanks again to Paul Provenza and everyone involved with the show from the production group all the way down to the Showtime Executives.
Regards,
Ed Wallick
–end of line–
In Memoriam…
A friend of mine told me she’s going to Chicago in September on a ‘girls trip’ and asked what to do while she was there…
I told her since she was going to be there on 9/11 to be sure to see the movie ‘Philadelphia’…
it’s so much more relevant when you see it there…
What, too soon? Let me ask, for which one Aids, 9/11 or the musical Chicago?
Clifford Stoll will blow one for you…
Clifford Stoll was an internet pundit back in the mid 90’s. I saw him give a lecture when I was in college for Computer Science at Cameron University in OK, where education is blowin’ cross the plains (sorry I broke out into the musical Oklahoma for a second there)…
ANYWAY, Cliff said the internet would never work because we’re all basically “people who need people” (are the luckiest people… maybe I shouldn’t have fallen asleep to ‘Westside Story’…). He had a book out at the time which is referenced above when you click the link attached to his name.
A friend and I were talking about it recently so this is for you Paul, where are they now? Blowing useless glass objects and selling them on the internet!
Not everyone with wacky hair can be a Nostradamus.
I really love Entourage…
If singing ‘Rape Me’ while watching Entourage, crying & masturbating is gay then I guess I’m not.
3 out of 4 ain’t bad though…
Sorry, it’s a good show and I do watch it,… The kid that plays Turtle has really grown as an actor since he did Lord of the Rings and Rudy…
If you didn’t check him out on IMDB Wikipedia you’d never know he was that little girl from The Cosby Show…
Passing on the Prestige of the Poulet Prize…
May I have the envelope please… (drum-roll) AND THE AWARDS GO TO: daily pie, Miscellaneous IT Pimpery, and The Miserable Bastard.
This much coveted award is for bloggers who have a sense of humor and are smarter than a and not too chicken to say what they think.
Rules:
1. Proudly display the award on your blog with a link back to Honjii and a link back Deadpan Drollery, along with his/her name, who chose to award your blog.
2. Bestow this award, along with the rules, on a minimum of three blogs.
3. Contact the bloggers you’ve chosen and let them know of their incredibly life-altering good news.
4. Swear on your first born, or whatever you hold dear, never to mention these blogging awards are created by other self-serving bloggers trying to get more traffic altruistic bloggers who wish nothing more than to acknowledge a blog well done.
You are now reading an Award Winning Blogger…
Well what can one say when one unexpectedly receives an award
such as this except, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO RECOGNIZE THE
BRILLIANCE THAT WAS LITERALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!
I’d of course like to thank Honjii as well as the following:
–A group of small furry animals gathered together in a cave grooving to a pict.
–The Fondue Fop House, without your hot bowls of creamy cheese to “pick me up” I may have never stayed awake to accept this award. Many people underestimate the need for a viscus bowl of melted Cheddar and a mouth full of second degree burns, but never the staff at the Fop House.
–The drifter I killed outside of Ft. Worth Texas, without taking you down a peg, I may have never had the confidence to begin writing.
–And my wife, kids and dog.
Michael Jackson Od’ed…
Reporters annoy me…
If Michael Jackson ODing is a TRAGEDY, what do I call the junkie who pukes all over the baked goods at Safeway?… Sublime?…
I mean who really cares that it’s been 1 year since Michael Jackson “tragically’ OD’ed?… Personally I consider any day a pedophile junkie OD’s to be a pretty GOOD day…
I mean I’m not going to commemorate it every year but I’m not going to mourn it a year later either… Maybe that’s what makes me a good Dad, I don’t rape my kids or their friends and I rarely OD around the house…
The Stand Up Comics Creed…
THIS IS MY TONGUE…
THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE!!!
I must master it as I must master my timing.
Without me, my tongue is useless.
Without my tongue, I am useless, and kind of gross.
I must undulate my tongue true….
I must prattle on straighter than the enemy (heckler) who is trying to blather at me.
I must talk OVER HIM before he interrupts me.
I will.
Lifetime TV, you say one thing but do another, it’s your fault I hit you…
I’m kind of an anal retentive OCD afflicted… well, asshole… But that’s not the point…
I just strive to do everything I do right and I expect all of you to do the same dammit!…
But my point is I hate when your watching TV and the schedule is wrong, you know the one on the TV…
I was looking the other day and I see on Lifetime… Fuck You, it’s research…
So it say’s ‘Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolitta Story’ with Alyssa Milano so that’s hot right?
And since we’re about the same age it’s not “icky”…
Hit the switch to go on over there and what’s on?… ‘The Mary Kay Literno Story’ w/Penelope Ann Miller…
Yeah, absolutely the wrong kind of child molestation for me…
You can’t do that, I mean I’m not a molester but there are molesters out there trying to not molest…
They are counting on you to be accurate Lifetime so they don’t rape children…
You can’t promise them one type of child molestation and then deliver another it’s all I’m trying to get across here…
Oil Spill Adolescent Guilt…
I’m kind of sick of the Oil Spill, it’s only been a month and we’ve all been raging at BP the whole time…
Is anyone else starting to feel like the mean girls in ‘Carrie’, throwing tampons at a cowering BP in the corner, screaming Plug it UP, Plug it UP!!!
Obama is like the gym coach, protecting BP from the crowd…
Halliburton is the psycho uber religious Mommy, locking BP in the closet to pray for 18 hours at a stretch…
Deadpan Drollery© 
What the Peep’s are sayin’